It's now later on in the evening of 6th Feb 2013. I've had a nap and I seem to have now found the strength to cope a bit better. I sit down with my husband and we devise a strategy to cope. We realise it is going to be emotionally tough waiting the 4-6 weeks till I get a firm diagnosis. We decide that we will work on the assumption that it is cancer, but we won't tell anyone, apart from my boss, until we know for definite. We will try to carry on as best as normal, keep ourselves busy, and just allow ourselves a little time each day for worrying and chatting about it. My husband says that, apart from the obvious fear of losing me, he is very worried about practical things like our finances, looking after my parents, what needs to be done around the house etc. He finds the thought of all this quite overwhelming. He has always been very helpful, he does more than his fair share of things, but we have tended to stick to our own set tasks. We realise now that this has not been sensible. As we get older there will be times when one of us is ill and the other person needs to be able to cope. So I am going to make detailed notes. It will keep me busy and be a useful distraction.
I go to work the next morning and tell my boss that it sounds like I have cancer, and obviously if I have then I will need a lot of time off sick. She is shocked, I have never had a day off sick. She also can't believe that I am so normal and cheerful and have turned up for work. I tell her that I can only cope by carrying on as normal, and there are practical things to consider. I work for a small firm, nobody else knows much about my job, and hardly any of it is written down anywhere. I promise that I will write out some instructions. This is going to be quite a task but I am happy to have a project to keep me busy.
My husband and I spend the next couple of weeks keeping very busy. He is getting on with chores around the house, he appears to be spring cleaning, I happily let him get on with it. I am frantically typing pages and pages of instructions for home and work. We are both coping better than I expected. Neither of us has lost our appetite. We seem to be able to sit down in the evening and watch some TV and forget all about the cancer for a few hours. I laugh and joke with friends as if nothing is wrong.
I go to hospital for the CT scan on Thursday Feb 21st 2013, it's more waiting about than I expected and I didn't realise I needed a cannula. I hate anything to do with blood or needles. I'd spoken to people who'd had CT scans and they all told me you just drink the dye. But mine had to go into the veins. Apart from that everything was fine. The route home from the hospital goes past a restaurant we like so we stop off and enjoy a nice meal.
The following week Tuesday Feb 26th 2013 I am back at the hospital for a check up to see I am fit for an anaesthetic. Just a few routine things, medical history, weight, blood pressure, ECG etc. They seem very pleased with me, words like perfect and excellent seem to get used a lot and soon we are on our way home via our favourite restaurant.
The next step is the day surgery exploratory operation which will take place Tuesday 5th March 2013. I not at all bothered by it, it's sounds very easy and routine, and I hope I may make it back to work by the Thursday or Friday.
Unfortunately things don't always go as you plan!
