I've been in such a very happy place since I decided to walk away from being a cancer patient. It feels like some sort of switch has been flicked in my head. For example I regularly bump into a lady who I know from my local cancer support group. I also know her from a book group but whenever I saw her I'd always thought that's the lady from the support group. Now when I see her I automatically think of her as the lady from the book group. I've finally rediscovered my appetite. I've been helping my husband with the food shopping and the cooking. I've even managed to put some weight on as I've rediscovered my love of biscuits.
It all got spoilt when a letter arrived reminding me of a hospital check up appointment. I phoned up to explain that I wouldn't be attending as I have discharged myself. Unfortunately I then discovered that it wasn't good enough to just tell the GP surgery. I have to notify the hospital. In person. I asked what happened if I didn't turn up. The lady said the computer will keep churning out appointments. I had visions at this point of what happened in Harry Potter. The scene where Harry's Uncle keeps ignoring the Hogwarts letter so the owls keep on delivering more and more of them. So I decided I'd better go to the hospital one last time.
My Grandad always used to say that it's important to treat everyone you meet with politeness, kindness and respect and to never forget to say please and thank you. So with this in mind I'd carefully rehearsed my speech including how extremely grateful I was for all their help, but I was doing so much better now that I had moved into a new phase in my life, and not having to see me anymore would free up their valuable time for new patients.
Unfortunately when I got to the hospital my Consultant wasn't there. Another Consultant came in and he was accompanied by a medical student who had come along to help with my examination. The student looked nervous so I thought I'd better be good and let them get on with it before I said anything. Afterwards I got the opportunity to deliver my speech to my Oncologist. I thought I'd made a fairly good job of presenting my case. I explained that the time after treatment feels like precariously balancing across a tightrope. I'd had enough of it so I'd decided to jump off early. I said I was sorry and I knew I shouldn't have jumped, but now I'm finally off that wretched tightrope I am not getting back up there for anyone.
The Oncologist was very kind. He said I shouldn't think of it as a tightrope. He said that there was an extremely small chance of the cancer coming back now. He said that if they could assess patients individually then I probably could have been declared cancer free after 3 years and been discharged then. However the NHS has declared a standard 5 year timescale for my cancer. So what I would need to do is to sign paperwork saying I am discharging myself against medical advice, and he put up an extremely good case as to why I shouldn't do this.
Anyway I'm still in my happy place as it is no longer a wobbly tightrope in my mind. He says I am to think of it as some kind of firm 5 year path which I am now safe on. So I have decided to visualise myself walking along a long and winding road. I enjoy walking so I'm thinking of it as a gentle unhurried pleasant stroll and not a dreary plod. I think it's impossible to pick out my top Beatles track as there are so many great ones, but The Long And Winding Road is definitely one of my favourites.
I have promised to go back to the hospital again for a check up in 6 months time. The Oncologist did say he'd see if he can get me discharged then as it'll only be a couple of months short of the 5 years. Fingers crossed!
