There’s a song I love called “Sundays Will Never Be The Same”. No I haven’t posted in the wrong blog today. My music blog is for positive days where we don’t talk about cancer and entries are happily shown to family and friends. That blog does not do negative thoughts. This blog is sadly the true story......
I am not in a happy mood today. People keep telling me that it will be possible to get something resembling my old life back eventually. I don’t agree. Let me try to explain. I met my wonderful husband nearly 21 years ago. We’ve both been lucky to escape ill health so far until I let us down by getting one of the worst illnesses I can think of. We have no children so we have never experienced any sort of event that changes your way of life forever. We did manage to escape the rat race a few years ago so we enjoy a less stressful and slightly slower pace of life than we had before. But up until my cancer we have more or less enjoyed the same lifestyle all throughout those 21 happy years.
So I am angry because Saturdays in particular will never be the same again. A typical Saturday might go like this. Nice lay in listening to “Sounds Of The Sixties” on Radio 2 whilst enjoying breakfast in bed. Then off to the shops. On foot as we prefer minimum use of the car. We will then potter round the shops for a few hours acquiring several bags of shopping. On the way home we will stop at a nice pub and enjoy a leisurely lunch. With our food I will have a glass of wine and my husband will enjoy a bottle of real ale. We will then continue home the scenic way. This involves firstly having a rest in the park where I will feed the ducks and my husband will take photos. Then along the beach. Perhaps another sit down and watch the world go by for a while. Finally home several hours later. We may be a little tired and the feet and the arm muscles might ache a little but we have had a lovely time. We will then have a good rest as Saturday night we are off to the theatre.
We will be walking to and from the theatre. It’s only a mile away. We could take the car and spend an outrageous amount of money in the long stay car park. But we won’t be because unfortunately the local car thieves have identified this car park as easy pickings and we’ll be lucky to have a car to return to. We could get a taxi. To the venue would be no problem. Coming home is a different matter. Due to the reputation of the car park we will probably get trampled underfoot in the stampede for the taxi rank. We will have walked home and be tucked up in bed before half the people get home.
So how will Saturdays be until I regain the stamina to walk several miles a day? Probably like they are now. Husband goes down town on bike for essential shopping whilst I order up everything else online. In the evening he will be downstairs watching a DVD or listening to his music. I will be upstairs where I will either be watching tennis on the laptop or reading a book. Not exactly what I would call spending quality time with husband. We don’t seem to be able to do that anymore.
What is even worse is that I am now trying to sort out the dilemma of our future finances. Every day when the postman arrives I am expecting the letter from my employer that says sorry if you don’t get back here soon we’ll have to put you onto SSP. I’m surprised it hasn’t come yet, I’ve already gone way past my contractual entitlement to full pay. So economies will have to be made. Frivolous shopping, meals out and trips to the theatre would be an obvious starting point. But that alone won’t do it. I am also going to have to find some alternative means of earning income. I’ve made a start already and it’s looking encouraging. But it will include working on Saturdays.
So I’m sorry but I don’t think I will ever get anything like my old life back. And what hurts me most is that my husband won’t ever get his old life back either. On days like this I am so angry at how cancer has ****** up my life and more importantly that of the person I love most.
