It's now Mon 18th Mar 2013 and I am beginning to get fretful. I have the appointment at the hospital on Wednesday morning when I am expecting to be told I definitely have cancer. Up to now I have coped well but it is now becoming a struggle. There is no tennis this week to distract myself with and I am finding it very hard to concentrate on anything. All I keep thinking about is all the people I know who have died of cancer, and the more I think about it the longer the list gets. Top of the list is cousin Sue who died of stomach cancer 5 years ago when she was a similar age to me. She was very upbeat and optimistic about it but she was dead within 6 months of diagnosis. Next on the list is Dianne who was a very dear friend and died of skin cancer 10 years ago when she was in her 40s. She was similarly upbeat and optimistic and was dead within weeks of diagnosis. I am counting down the hours till I'm due at the hospital.
Things then get even worse. The phone goes and it's one of the secretaries from the hospital. She is ringing to tell me my appointment on Wednesday is cancelled! I can feel fear starting to creep through my body. I'm in the house on my own and I know this is leading up to something bad. Apparently I am now going late Thursday afternoon to the other hospital that does the cancer treatment, and I am going to the clinic of a Consultant I haven't met before. At this moment I know it's definitely cancer. I know there is no point in asking the woman, there is no way I am going to be given any hint or any diagnosis over the phone, especially from a non medical person. But we have chatted before, she is always very nice and helpful, and she asks me how I am. I mention I know I have cancer, I am very worried, and all I want is to hear is how bad it is and what if anything can be done about it.
I am then straight on the internet and it doesn't take me long to discover that I am going to the clinic of the Consultant who heads up the team who are look after me. I know they have regular MDT (Multi Discipline Team) meetings and it is them who decided to remove my tonsils. I then start researching cancer on the internet and I begin to get really scared. There is so much conflicting and negative information, some of it is far too technical for me to understand and it is all so confusing.
By the time my husband gets home I am in a right state. I tell him about the change of appointment and we both agree that's it then, definitely cancer. We then start worrying about how far it might have spread though my body. We are both very scared and spend an awful 3 days waiting for the hospital appointment.
