Today I turned a corner in my struggle to cope with this journey. I got into a casual conversation with a cheerful young man while I waited for Radiotherapy. I won’t tell you his situation on a public forum, but it’s a harrowing story. He says he believes in fate, that everything happens for a purpose. I tell him that this journey that I’m going through is such a struggle for me. My seven week treatment has only just started and that won’t be the end of it. I’m well aware that it could take weeks or months to recover. I ask for advice as to how to cope with the ordeal so I can get back to work and my husband and I can get our life back to normal.
So he tells me. Apparently I have been going about all this the wrong way. I am not undertaking some sort of ordeal or going on a journey. I am just living my life, and so are all the people around me. Day by day.
I tell him that I’m worried about how I will cope when I go back to work. The longer I am away the harder it will be to go back. I fret about how to cover my scar and how best to cover thinning hair. I’m already aware that I get lapses of concentration now and I’m becoming forgetful. Suppose I get the shaking hands and hearing loss that could happen? It stresses me just thinking about it. I tell him I don’t want to go back.
He shrugs and says “Don’t then”.
And it’s that simple. I don’t have to go back to work. I can just lie at home and relax on the sofa for as long as I need. My body may be weak but my spirit won’t be.
I know there are bad times ahead, but I today I finally felt like me again. It’s a nice feeling. I can feel myself relaxing for the first time in weeks. What sort of music do you like I say? He shows me his MP3 player and suddenly I start to wonder about fate. Suddenly I’m uplifted, inspired and I just want to go home and listen to this song that we both mentioned at full blast. So I do.
Song of the day: “I’m on my way” by Dean Parrish.
