Today I am officially half way through my 5 year recovery. I feel quite chuffed about this as I know how far I have progressed over the last 2 year and 6 months. I would like to share this news with the people around me and perhaps have a little celebration. The problem is that I don’t feel able to tell any of them.
Firstly there is my wonderful husband. I am very aware that if I remind him about this landmark that he will get despondent that there is still such a long way to go on this journey.
Then there are my tennis friends. These are people I rarely see in person so I took the decision not to tell them about my diagnosis. It was the right decision as these lovely people kept up their usual chat and banter all through my treatment, and I know that if they had known what I was going through that they would have treated me differently.
We now come onto the patients who I met at the hospital and have kept in touch with. They are at the stage of recovery where they do not want to hear a single word said on the subject of cancer.
Then we have the friends I see regularly. They were so supportive during my treatment. They were constantly fussing over me and sending thoughtful messages and lovely pressies. I remember wishing at the time that they could just treat me normally. Now time has passed they do that but they seem to think my recovery was completed ages ago.
There is no way I could speak to any of my family about the significance of today. Cancer has unfortunately become a taboo subject in our family. Get-togethers of the extended family have gone from being fun to being awkward encounters. I end up feeling I am carefully tiptoeing about on eggshells. We lost a family member to cancer a few years back and we find ourselves divided into two opposing groups. I’m in the group that has come to terms with the loss. I still don’t fully understand her decision to refuse treatment as there was a small chance of it working. However I have learnt to accept it. Of course I still miss her dreadfully, but it’s no longer with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Instead I remember good times shared with affection. Her husband is remarrying and I am very pleased about it. Unfortunately there are some in the family who see this as an unforgiveable act of disloyalty and betrayal. It was my New Year’s resolution to try to show more understanding and tolerance towards certain relatives. I get an ominous feeling I am soon going to spectacularly fail.
So my dear blog reader that leaves you to share this little celebration with me. I will open a bottle of wine and raise a glass to you. I can’t adequately put into words how much I appreciate you. Because of you I never feel alone or that nobody understands.
My regular readers will know that sometimes I finish with a piece of suitable music. There can only be one choice today and it’s dedicated to my readers with love.
“Because Of You” by Jackie Wilson.
