Well here it is. The day I'd been looking forward to for so long. 31st July 2018. I finished my treatment on 31st July 2013. So I've now completed my 5 years. I was expecting to have some feelings of relief or celebration, but strangely I don't really feel anything. It's just another day.
I'd always thought that today would mark the end of my cancer journey and draw a line under it all. Life's not that neat though. Part of me feels that I completed my journey a long while ago but I'm also reminded that I'm not officially discharged from the hospital yet. I have to wait for that till the next check up which isn't due till November.
I still experience what are called long term side effects of treatment. For me that means a dry mouth, problems with my teeth & gums, and a thyroid which isn't working properly. I don't really know why they call them long term as I think permanent would probably be a better description. I wish I'd realised that sooner as I think I would have then accepted the situation more easily.
All I think I feel today is frustration. I know I shouldn't set myself any sort of target for anything as I always get so disappointed when I don't get there. However I made the mistake a while ago of setting what I thought was the easily achievable target of reaching level 2500 of Candy Crush Saga by today. Unfortunately I have failed. I've had a difficult time trying to move from the Crispy Clearing to the Haystack Hills and despite the wonderful help from my gaming friends I'm still stuck there at 2435. The Popsicle Plateau remains an elusive distant dream.
Also there are others close to me on their own cancer journeys and my feelings about that seem to have got interwoven with my own journey. Linda has finished her treatment for breast cancer and gone back to work. She is upset at the moment. Some of her friends keep telling her that she is so lucky as she now works from home, she has flexible hours and no stress or deadlines. And she got a payrise. Of course she does not feel at all lucky as the cancer has turned her life upside down. Maybe in time she will adjust to her new role, and she might eventually decide that it is preferable to what she did before. But at the moment she naturally feels resentful at having that change forced on her. I think I understand that and I expect that anyone who has had cancer could relate to how Linda is feeling. Frustratingly though she refuses to get to know other cancer patients. She just wants the company of her old friends as she wants everything to be normal. But they have no idea about how she is feeling. I try to accept Linda's decision as we all have to find our own way through things and what works for one person doesn't work for another. But I can't help thinking that Linda would additionally benefit from the help and company of other patients. I don't know what I would have done without that support and it frustrates me that she won't even consider it.
And now my Mum has had a cancer diagnosis. She has skin cancer. Fortunately the diagnosis and the hopefully effective treatment has been speedy. I have found myself on a very steep learning curve, and there have been more frustrations as the family seem to think that because I've had one type of cancer that I automatically know about every single sort. I know nothing at all about other cancers but at least I've learnt to admit that I don't understand and not to be frightened to ask questions.
I'm supposed to be ending my blog today but somehow this doesn't feel the right time to finish it. So I will probably do another entry in November when I'll hopefully be signed off by the hospital and perhaps by then I might have even got to that elusive level 2500!
PS. My regular readers know that I often use favourite song titles as the titles for my blog posts. For all of you thinking that "Another Day" refers to the song by Paul McCartney and Wings then I'm afraid you're wrong. I'll keep you guessing till next time!
