A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with T2 Squamous Cell Carcinoma, or Mouth Cancer as its more commonly known – specifically on the left side of my tongue.
The choice method of saving my life and removing the tumour is to perform a radical neck dissection to remove my lymph nodes in the left side of my neck. Along with this I will be having a partial glossectomy (The removal of about half my visible tongue) and have a stoma fitted so I can breathe whilst my throat etc heals.
Sufficed to say I am terrified, I have a life long fear of surgery as it is and so have to undergo something like this is making me want to hide until it all goes away, something which I know will not happen.
Post op will be the hardest time for me, I will need speech therapy to learn how to speak again (The severity of this is yet to be determined – I won’t actually know how bad it is until about a week after my surgery). My job entails me talking for a living and I have always been a very confident person, so to all of a sudden potentially lose that part of me is one of the hardest things I have ever had to come to terms with, I’d say this is even harder than the prospect of having this disease.
Sufficed to say the last few weeks have been a little tough on my wife and I, my family and friends. However I have some great people in my life, people I am privileged to know and who I couldn’t have got through the last few weeks without.
I have volunteered to be part of a research project called “Head and Neck 5000”, they are taking details of 5000 patients diagnosed with varying stages of head and neck cancers and compiling information that can hopefully lead to more information on how and why these types of cancers form, along with trying to develop further treatments to save the lives of the people affected. On filling in my baseline survey (Where they ask questions before any major decisions etc have been made to gauge how you are pre-treatment etc), a lot of things came to the surface. Things like I wasn’t really looking after my appearance like I used to, I wasn’t being as optimistic as usual, I was tending towards the negative in things and most importantly I just wasn’t being me.
Realising the above is what drove me to put a lengthy post on facebook to my friends and more importantly to me, as a reminder of what I need to do. My wife suggested that I start a blog or a diary to get my thoughts down, so hence here I am. I am a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason, we might not always be aware of the reason in the grander scheme but I believe that its still there. To that end I hope that me going through this and writing about it can even help one other person either deal with this or avoid ever having to go through what I will be going through, then all this will have actually meant something.
I posted the below on facebook, as I said as a reminder to myself. This has become my mantra over the last few days, it might sound cheesey but I think it helps me;
I will not be beaten, I will not be broken and I will certainly now bow down to this disease. I will fight with every fibre of my being, not only for me but for everyone around me who is going through this with me. I will not lose any part of me to this, I will come out the other end stronger and most importantly I will survive – not only physically but mentally and emotionally.
To the cancer: You will not beat me and you will certainly not walk away from this fight.
My current experience of my surgeons and medical staff is one I’d like to share also, I will go into this in more detail later on but I am currently very pleased with them and the urgency placed on my treatment. I shouldn’t have to have rad or chemo, touch wood, but trust them to make the right decisions.
I know there are a lot of people on here who have gone though this, and words of wisdom etc that you can provide would be very appreciated.
Yours, a very scared, terrified, but optimistic 27 year old.
Joe
