I would like to thank the following people.
My Loving Husband Mark, for your love, support and encouragement.
My parents Fay and Grenville for your support, encouragement, love and for taking me to many of my hospital appointments.
Collen at the Tauranga, New Zealand Cancer Society for all the help, support and friendship. Thank you also for all the helpful information you provided and for helping both Mark and myself understand all the medical jargon.
To all my great friends that I have made at the Cancer Society
for all your love and support.
You all have thought me lots of different things, like how to stand up for myself, that I am a strong person, that looks don’t count, to feel better about myself and that I can do anything that I want to do.
I will always be grateful for everything you have all taught me and for your great friendship and love.
My cancer journey started at the beginning of September 2006 when I went to see a doctor in regards to a nasty cold that I had. This doctor asked me about a lump that I had on the left side of my neck which had been there for about five years. I had talked to my old doctor about it who didn’t seem to worried about it and she told me that if it ever got sore or the lump changed at all to go back and see her. As it never changed, I didn’t worry about it until I saw a doctor in Tauranga who asked me about it. I explained to him what my old doctor had said but he wasn’t happy about this so decided to find out what it was.
He sent me for a Fine Needle Aspiration as well as a scan to find out what it could be. Neither the Fine Needle Aspiration or the scan showed anything up but after having the Fine Needle Aspiration done my neck swelled up and got very sore. I got in touch with the first doctor that I had seen who then referred me on the see my own doctor who put me on Antibiotics as they thought I had a infection in my neck caused by the fine needle aspiration.
The antibiotics didn’t help with the swelling or the pain so I was admitted to hospital to see if they could find out what was wrong.
I ended up being in and out of hospital for about two weeks while they did many tests and more scans.
One of the doctor’s that I had at Tauranga Hospital got me to have another Fine Needle Aspiration but this time it was done using a ultrasound so they could see where to put the needle and how far to put it in. I remember lying on the bed in the ultrasound room while they were doing the procedure, listening to the hospital staff talking amongst themselves about the fluid that they were extracting, not really understanding what they were saying. After having some samples taken, the hospital staff went to talk to another doctor who said that they needed to take another sample so another long needle was put deep into my neck. This time the fluid that they extracted looked different to what they had just taken out.
This worried me a bit, but I knew that all the doctor’s were doing everything they could to find out what was wrong with me.
A week later, I went back to see my doctor that get the test results and while I was there my neck really started hurting. My doctor noticed how much pain I was in so while I was in his waiting room he rang Tauranga Hospital and talked to the medical registrar in A & E explaining what was happening. My doctor was told that if the pain didn’t ease up in the next 24 hours, that i had to go to the hospital.
I went home with a letter from my doctor to take to the hospital if I needed to go.
That night the pain got a lot worse and by the next morning I was in so much pain that I went to the hospital where again I was admitted.
While I was in hospital this time, I saw a Ear’s, Nose and specialist who put a small camera up my nose and down into the back of my throat.
After having this done, this doctor explained to me that I had a low grade tumour in my neck. I asked him if this meant that I had cancer and he told me that it looked like I did.
The next morning I had a visit from my surgeon who told me that all the tests had come back showing that I did have cancer in my neck. Hearing him tell me this was so hard, as it felt like my whole world was falling apart. After my surgeon left, I cried and cried for ages. I remember feeling really numb, not really knowing how to feel or even what to do.
Thankfully, I had my husband Mark with me when my surgeon told me what was wrong with me. If it wasn’t for the love, support and many hugs that he gave me, I sure don’t know how I would of got through any of this.
Mark was there with me and for me right throughout all of this ordeal and I will always be truly thankful for that. He was there for me when I had to tell my parents what was wrong.
After hearing what was wrong, I got really scared and all that was going through my head was, why me, why did I have to get cancer, what was my life going to be like now.
I then only had two days to get use to having thyroid cancer before having major surjery to remove most of it. At the time, it didn’t feel like enough time to get use to what was wrong with me, but now I am grateful that I didn’t have a long time to wait for my surgeon’s or doctor’s worked out the best way to deal with it.
In those two days, many different emotions went through my head and many more tears fall especially when I was by myself as that is when I got the most scared.
The morning of my surgery was scary, having to wait for awhile in the pre- op room with everyone buzzing around me. The theatre staff and Mark were all asking me if I was ok and I told them that I was fine and just wanted to get my surjery over and done with. Deep inside I was really scared and worried about what was going to happen and what my life was going to be like later on.
Not knowing what my future was going to be like after my surgery was scary but I knew with the support I was getting from everyone that I could get through whatever my future was going to hold.
MY SURGERY.
The most vivid thing I remember before my surgery was lying on the operating table with the theatre staff preparing me for my operation and looking up seeing the big theatre lights. I then remember having a mask put on my face and been told to count backwards. I remember concentrating on the lights while counting and that’s all I remember until I woke up in ICU.
It felt like only a short time since I went into theatre, but I found out later that my operation had taken six hours. When I heard that I was wondering why it had taken so long as I was told that it was only going to take 2 to 3 hours.
Once I woke up properly, I found Mark standing next to me and also hearing one of the nurses in ICU talking to both him and my dad.
I heard a nurse telling them that my operation had gone really well but it had taken longer than expected as my tumour was bigger than expected.
When I woke up in ICU, I tried talking to Mark asking him if everything went well and if he was ok, but I wasn’t able to talk as I still had a breathing tube in.
Once it was taken out, I felt a little bit better but still wasn’t able to talk much as my mouth wsa really dry and scatchy.
Once the breathing tube was taken out, I remember Mark asking me if I was ok and all I could say to him was ” I’m hungry “. This made Mark smile and laugh which was good to see and hear as i knew that he was really worried about me.
My surgeon came in to see me and he asked me how I was feeling but I wasn’t able to say anything to him, all I could do was cough a lot, but he seemed happy with that.
After awhile Mark and my dad finally went home, something that I know Mark didn’t want to do as he wanted to stay and make sure that I was ok. Mark had been at the hospital for 12 hours so I told him to go and home and get some much needed sleep.
I know that if Mark could trade places with me and go through all this for me he would.
That night in ICU was the longest I have ever had as even though I was tired, I still didn’t sleep very well. The most I slept all night was for about two hours on and off.
Everytime that I wanted to move I had to have two nurses help me. One to move more with the other one keeping my neck and head as straight as possible.
I was given Morphine to help with the pain, but I was only able to have a little bit at a time as too much would close my throat up and stop me from breathing.
This I didn’t want to happening, not after everything that I had just been through.
Once the morphine had started working, I was finally able to get a little bit of sleep but not much.
That night when I was by myself, I remember feeling the dressing that was covering my incision and finding that it went right across my throat and half way up my neck. Feeling how much dressing was there really shocked me and then I started worrying about what I looked like underneath.
That night in ICU was the longest that I had ever had. As I didn’t sleep that much, all I seem to do was stare at the ceiling or out the window when I was able to see it. I remember seeing a clock on the wall and everytime that I looked at it the hands on the clock didn’t seem to be moving that fast.
All I wanted was for Mark to come back, to help take my fears away. Many tears fall that night as I was feeling really scared and worried about how I now looked.
The morning after my surgery I had a really great nurse who helped me out of bed even though I didn’t want to get up as I was feeling very shaky and didn’t really want to move or even get out of bed.
My nurse helped me walk very slowly and very shakily around to the bathroom where she helped me have a really nice soothing shower. Having this shower did help me feel a bit better.
As I still wasn’t feeling that good, my nurse very carefully washed my hair for me which was full of some horrible brown gunk.
Once my nurse had finished washing my hair I sure felt a lot better.
Once I had slowly walked back to the ICU, my nurse asked me if I would like to have a look at my neck and throat as she was going to change the dressings on it. I wasn’t that keen on having a look at what I now looked like but after a little while I decided to have a look.
My nurse then went and got a mirror for me and then she very carefully took the dressings off.
When she had finished, it took me awhile to have a look at my neck and throat as I was really scared of what it would look like. When I did have a look, I couldn’t really see that much as the incision was covered in steri-strips which was covering all my stitches.
I could see that the incision was a lot longer than I was told it would be and this made me wonder what the doctors had found when they were operating on me.
After awhile, my nurse then put another dressing on my incision. Once she had finished, I tried moving my head but wasn’t able to and I thought that the nurse had put the dressing on too tight. I later realised that my neck was very numb from my surgery and that is why it felt like the dressing had been put on too tight.
Soon after my nurse had finished, Mark arrived in ICU which really did help as I was feeling really scared and also worried about how my surgery had gone and also what I now looked like. Soon after Mark arrived, my surgeon also arrived to see how I was feeling. I remember trying to talk to both my surgeon and to Mark and couldn’t believe what my voice now sounded like. I sure didn’t sound like I had the day before my surgery and when I did try to talk all I could really do was whisper and even then my voice sounded really scratchy.
Soon afterwards I was transferred to the surgical Ward and settled into a much more comfortable bed. I slept on and off for awhile before managing to eat a little bit of lunch. My parents came up to see me later on in the day and once they and Mark had gone home I was able to finally get some much needed sleep as I was feeling really tired.
Later on that night I managed to get up and out of bed by myself and even managed to walk to the bathroom without feeling like I was going to fall over. The nurses that were on duty were even surprised to see me up and walking around as they told me that they weren’t expecting me to be up for awhile yet. It felt good to be able to walk around even though it still tired me out. I finally got to have a really good look at all the dressings that were covering my neck. That night I had the best nights sleep ever, after not sleeping that much the night before.
The next day my surgeon came to visit me and explained to me why my surgery had taken longer. When he told me why it had taken longer than expected I got really scared again as it was a lot worse than even my surgeon had expected.
I found out that the tumour had been wrapped around the main blood vessel in my neck so it had taken them awhile to carefully cut it all away without cutting the blood vessel. My surgeon’s also had to take out two of the muscles in my neck. The cancer tumour had also grown into my thyroid gland so most of that was also removed. I also had two muscles in my neck removed as well as the calcium gland that is located next to my thyroid gland removed.
Hearing all that my surgeon told me made me even more scared and all I wanted was for Mark to arrive and take my mind off what was happening. When he arrived, Mark helped me have a wash as I still wasn’t up to having a shower by myself.
Later on after having some more sleep, Mark and I went for a walk around the ward and we also went for a walk out to the roof garden. It felt really great to be outside and to feel the fresh air on my skin after been inside for so long.
After that, I decided that I wanted to go down to the downstair’s cafeteria to get a drink. I found it really hard once we got down there as it felt like everyone was looking at me and all I wanted to do was go back to the Ward and hide.
Mark did his best to reassure me that everything was ok and that there was nothing wrong with me but I was still really shocked by other people’s reaction to what I now looked like.
When Mark had gone home that night, I decided to try and have a shower by myself which was still hard as I was still very shaky. I did manage to wash my hair by myself and that night I slept really well again.
GOING HOME
The next morning when Mark arrived we went for another walk out to the roof garden. After that we went for another walk downstair’s and when we got there we saw my surgical registrar who had helped my surgeon with my surgery. She asked me how I was feeling, and I told her that I was feeling much better and all I wanted to do was go home. She then smiled at me and asked me if I would like to go home that day or the day after. I remember asking her if she meant what she said as I was expecting to be in hospital for a few more days. She said that as long as I had someone with me to help me that it was fine with her for me to go home. This made my day as I was feeling like the hospital was my second home after spending so much time there in the last few weeks.
I then went back to the ward and told the nurses what the surgical registrar had said to me. They were surprised that I was allowed home so soon and after checking that I was really allowed home they finally came and took the drainage tube out and changed the dressings. I then had to wait ages for them to sort out my discharge papers which was really hard as all I wanted to do was get out of there and go home. The nurses also had to sort out a district nurse to come and visit me and check on how everything was going as well as take out the stitches ten days later. This took ages to happen and I started wondering if I was ever going to get out of there but finally about 5:30 pm I was discharged.
After everything that I had been through in the last two days, it sure felt good been able to walk out of the hospital and go home. The drive home was really hard as the seat belt in my parents car kept rubbing on my neck and irritating the dressings.
Being at home was harder than I expected as all I was able to do was rest and I had to rely on Mark to help me with so much, something that I wasn’t use to.
I had to get Mark to help me get dressed, undressed, have a wash and brush my hair.
Getting comfortable in bed was really hard as whatever way that I would lay, I still couldn’t get comfortable. Pulling the blankets up was impossible so this is something else that I had to get Mark to help me with.
A couple of days after going home I had a visit from my district nurse who changed the dressings. Ten days after my surgery she came back and took all my stitches out. I remember lying on our bed while she was doing this counting the stitches as she took them out and counted 46 stitches. Before my district nurse put some new steri-strips over my wound I had another look in the mirror at what my neck and throat now looked like. When I looked at it, I remember thinking it looked really horrible. The whole wound looked worse than I thought it would as it was a lot longer that I was expecting it too be. Yet again more tears fall when I saw what it looked like.
For a few days after getting home, I had to rely on my parents to get us to the shops to do the shopping as even driving my car was impossible while all the dressings were still on my neck.
The first time that I went to the shops it felt like everyone was looking at my scar and it made me feel really self-conscious so I started wearing my silk scarf for awhile to hide the dressings on my neck and throat.
Even after the dressings were taken off I still wore my scarf for awhile as sometimes it felt like people were looking at my scar, even though they weren’t.
Others times that I got self-conscious were when people would ask to look at my scar or to show it to others as I didn’t like showing it to anyone.
I eventually did stop wearing my scarf, once I got use to the way I now look without it upsetting me.
Whenever I did get upset about my scar, Mark would always say to me “What you look like on the outside doesn’t matter, it’s the person inside that counts”.
This always made me feel better as even though I have a scar that I can’t do anything about, I am still the same person inside that I was before my operation.
Whenever I would have a bad day this saying would always make me feel better about myself.
I have had many bad days since finding out that I had thyroid cancer, day’s that all I wanted to do was hide away from everyone and everything.
I had many days that I would burst into tears for no reason and not really knowing why.
I also had many days that I would still wonder, why me, what did I do wrong to get cancer, was it my own fault and what was my future now going to be like.
I still have some bad days but nothing like I use to.
I remember one day looking at my scar and didn’t even worry about what it looked like.
I realised that my scar was always going to be there and there was nothing I could do about that and if people don’t like what my neck and throat now look like that it is their problem, not mine.
I have had quite a few hurdles to get over since being diagnosed with thyroid cancer and my surgery.
One of those is how many blood tests I now have to have. I have had so many blood tests done that sometimes I feel like a human pincushion. I have now got use to having many blood tests done every few months to keep an eye on everything.
Another hurdle I have had to get over is having to take so much medication but these days I have got use to taking them as I know they are helping keep my well.
Another hurdle I have had to get over is how much pain I now get in my neck and throat. I have had to try so many different pain killers, some that made me feel even more sick until I have finally found one that is working really well.
I have also had a few negative comments said to me about my cancer.
Some of these comments have hurt but I have come to the conclusion that if people don’t like what has happened to me or even the way I now look that it their problem, not mine.
All these comments have done is made me a much stronger person.
Because of no longer having my thryoid gland I do get tired much faster and for many months after my surgery it felt like I was asleep more than I was awake but I know that it was my body’s way of healing itself.
