This first one may seem long while i explain the history for those who would like to read.
My name is Rebecca. Im 22 (almost) and i have had cancer touch my life in a very large way.
Im from South Yorkshire. And lived there when the journey began.
My mother and father moved up to Hartlepool NE, UK taking my young brother with them, but i chose to stay in Rotherham as i had a job and college. In 2009, around November/December time i think, a lump in my brother's arm was diagnosed as Osteosarcoma. I dont know exactly how this all went and what they did as i wasnt around, but knew the basics, and that he had to have chemo.
I visited whenever i could, which was unfortulatly not often enough. In the second half of 2010, Alex (my brother) got the 'all clear' from the cancer.He had been wanting to go to America to visit my mothers brother and his family and my mum had a holiday booked for the begining of 2010 but had to cancel this due to Alex's treatment. And they rebooked the holiday and went in November.
During the time my family were in America i had spiralled into despare really, i had quit my job and had a house which i could no longer afford, and was basically in a bad place with myself. It didnt help that, while Alex was in America, he came out with some rashes all over his body, and was admitted to hospital and they had found he was poorly again, and had to fly him home to Newcastle Hospital. The cancer had returned but in his lungs. My mother and father flew home shortly afterwords and by this time, were aware of my bad state and picked me up along with my things and my kitten, and took me to live with them in Hartlepool.There were several noduals of cancer in alex's lungs and step one was to remove a couple of these to see if they were cancer or something else. But they were cancer. And there were just too many to operate on. With the lung being such a delicate organ, it was deemed just to life threatening and practically impossible.
I was ill when i first moved up with a cold so stayed away from the hospital for a couple of days. But once better, went into the hospital to be with Alex to give my mother and father a rest together, as you can imagine they wouldnt have had much time together as one would have stayed in hospital and one at home. Only a day into my stay at hospital i knew something wasnt right. It was strange because i hadnt been present for the majority of his treatment or to see just how ill he was, so i was in a kind of denial. But Alex started to babble and cry, and my brother was never one to cry. Not even when he was diagnosed. He took it all in his stride and was so brave, i cant even explain how prous i was of his attituse towards it all!
Alex's consultant took me into a room after a little while of nurses coming in and out and noone telling me anything, and she said she felt we needed to bring my parents in ASAP as she felt there wasnt alot of 'time' left. I broke down. Because i didnt realise just how ill he was, this was the very point that put it all into perspective. Once my parents had arived the nurses made the decision to move Alex into the ICU to put him onto oxygen as he wasnt breathing well be himself. We managed to get a room in a family building at the hospital where we could sleep while alex was in hospital long term. I had gone there to get some sleep, and i came back in the morning and Alex then made the decision to come off ICU oxygen as he was very uncomfortable and couldnt sleep, as you can imagine with a big mask strapped to your face blowing into your mouth and nose! My mother said to him, if we do this, you know you will die. And he said yes i know. What kind of decision is that for a 15 year old to make?
We had moved back onto the ward and they fitted Alex with morphone drip and some drug to help him sleep, both through his canular. He also had a lung drain in both sides which i forgot to mention before. Now, basically, all we had to do was make Alex as comfortable as possible. A few days went past but everything was just a blur and still is. I had no idea how many days. By this time we had already lost Alex. Not in body but in mind, he was just too weak to speak and wasnt really 'there' if you understand what i mean. But, with me and our mum by his side, on the 12th December, at 9.20pm, Alex took his last breath. No pain, and no suffering in the end.
Now, with me being away through pretty much everything apart from the end like i explained earlier, i dont think this sunk in, as i didnt see him going through the battle. I didnt see or really know how bad it all was, so to me, it was cancer, chemo, all clear then his death really. So im finding it very hard to cope with. I havent been the same person since, and its effecting my current relationships and happiness. It doesnt help that cancer seems to be everywhere on the TV recently.
So this blog, will basically be my way of venting my feelings on the days i feel i need to post,
Anyone is welcome to read and reply. And i hope some people can relate to this story.
ive also attatched a pic of me and my brother when we were young and in school. Definatly the time i should have cherished more than i did.
Becca x
