My Dad had his check up with the consultant last Thursday - he has had 2 out of 4 chemo sessions so it was to discuss how he was getting on. Well the last time we saw this consultant he had told my Dad that without treatment he would only have 6 months to live. So in the waiting room my Dad looked SO scared. He had no colour in his face...his eyes looked sad...and he was shaking. It took everything I had to not sob my heart out...I was scared but also seeing my Dad so scared just broke my heart. My Mum & one of my big brothers came to the appointment too. I was on edge & had been all week...the slightest thing was making me snap & I just felt so so emotional. The night before the appointment I broke down in tears to Marc once we had left Mum & Dad's...I just had this fear that they were going to say Dad wasn't responding or that the chemo was putting too much pressure on his liver or that his blood tests were bad....sooo many things were running through my mind.
So we went into the consultant and, unlike last time, he was FULL of smiles. He said that Dad appears to be responding really well to the chemo...his blood tests are good...and his liver is functioning better which suggests that things are "shrinking" - his exact words. Dad has put ON 6 pounds & the consultant said he is doing really well. My brother then asked the question which I WANTED to ask but literally did not have the guts to....simply because I feared the worst...yet again (always glass half empty!). He asked the consultant what would happen after the chemo is over. I don't think I breathed until the consultant spoke. He said they either leave things and just monitor regularly and let Dad go off and enjoy himself (this made me feel sick to the stomach) OR they give more treatment. He said they do not normally talk about "maintenance chemo" until after treatment has finished and they assess things but he said since Dad is doing so well we could discuss it now. He said he thinks Dad would be suited to a different combination of chemo following this one & he thinks that would work well for Dad. My brothers asked why he cannot continue with the chemo he is currently receiving & the consultant said that the side effects would get a lot lot worse so that is why they would change it up.
Well my Dad's face...he was beaming & then he kept thanking the consultant...kept praising the nurses who give him chemo. I just felt SO proud that I blurted out "Yes Dad...but it is YOUR amazing attitude that is helping". The consultant looked at me & smiled & my eyes filled with tears. Not sadness..just pride & a bit of relief I guess too. When we left the room I burst into tears...again not through sadness..just immense pride. As we walked through the hospital my Dad punched his fist up & went "YES" and said "Now I need a few curries to really burn the b*stard out". That made me smile :)
Yes we know that eventually this evil disease will get my wonderful Dad but if he responds well to the next 2 chemos and then has further treatment it is looking a bit more positive. Telling my family...especially my brothers & sister a bit of good positive news was amazing. They were all SO proud of Dad & rightly so. It gave Dad a big boost too - he definitely had the sparkle back in his eyes & was smiling & talking a lot more positively...it made me so happy to see him like that!!!
I sat on the sofa with him Thursday after the appointment and I said to him "I'm sorry about crying Dad...I was just so proud of you". He said "There's two types of teardrops Sar...happy & sad" and said that one his favourite songs is called that - "Two types of teardrops". My Dad just GETS me...he understood WHY I was crying...understood the relief I felt & the pride I felt. That's my Dad all over...I never need to explain to him how I feel really - he just gets me :)
We had a lovely family weekend. My brother, sister in law, niece & nephew were down from scotland so on Saturday we all went out for a lovely pub lunch. My brother couldn't believe how well Dad looked - he said he looked so much better than he did 3 weeks ago when he was last down (for our Wedding). I see Dad every day so I don't always notice if he's put on weight etc. so hearing that he looked much better was so good to hear!!!
I really struggled this weekend...strangely. I think drinking lots of wine on Saturday didn't help! I just felt REALLY emotional & really negative. Even after some relatively good and positive news I felt SO negative & I guess...depressed. I just kept thinking of everything that was going wrong & how bleak the future looked. I feel like I can't ever think of the future or get excited about anything in the future because Dad might not be here & then how can I possibly feel any sense of happiness?! Marc and I are saving so hard to buy our first house this year...but I want it NOW...yep that sounds impatient & selfish but we've been saving for a long time & I want Dad to be able to see us get our house as I know he'll be SO proud & I want to have him & Mum over for dinner & I want him involved in the whole thing. Then I feel sad thinking that when me & Marc decide so start a family (hopefully in the next couple of years) my Dad won't ever meet our children...that thought breaks my heart & it physcially hurts to even think about it.
Again I KNOW I'm looking too far ahead. I wish I could stop time & keep everything the same...as it is now. My whole family has pulled together & everyone is making so much effort with Dad. We're all doing so much together as a family & I LOVE these times so much. My mother in law said to me on Sunday "Your dad is going nowhere for a good couple of years yet & none of us know what is round the corner"..which is SO true. I just need to focus on living for today & really stop thinking too far ahead otherwise I will regret it.
I've started eating healthily again & me & Marc are going to get back into running...I feel like I need something to focus on & something to boost my mood as sometimes I have some really dark moments & I feel like I'm drowning - so hard to explain. I guess it's anxiety...
I feel so tired lately too. Getting out of bed is such a struggle at 5am & then we are home from work at about 7.30/8pm...we pop into Mum & Dad's then home by about 9.30pm ish at the earliest so always late to bed. But we both WANT to see Dad and Mum also to offer her support & we are only 5 minutes down the road. Dad ALWAYS says "thanks for popping in...thanks for everything" and I tell him off :) Nothing to thank us for at all...but that's my Dad...always SO grateful for anything anyone does for him.
Dad has his 3rd chemo session today. I am at work & I feel gutted that I can't be with him this time. Mum is going with him & I've promised to go to the next one with him. We may go straight home tonight too as Marc and I are both exhausted but I already feel so much guilt that I won't be popping in tonight :( I just want to do anything & everything I can & it's so hard to not see him.
I just feel so proud of my Dad. I said to him after the appointment on Thursday that it would be HIS choice if he had more treatment or not and he said he definitely wanted it. He just will not give up without a fight. He never ever complains...he is doing everything he can to help himself, e.g. eating plenty, drinking his fortisip drinks (2 a day now!) & doing a bit of walking every day. No matter how tired he is he puts on his music & does a bit of cleaning around the house - he says music immediately lifts him whatever his mood :)
He also said that our Wedding gave him a massive boost right at the start of his treatment. That made me beam & made me feel so happy we decided to go ahead with it!! We now keep trying to put things in the diary for him to look forward to - i.e. going to the London Marathon to watch my brother in a few weeks :) Dad wants to go to everything. At the start of all this I was worried - he didn't seem to want to leave the house much or see many people but now he wants to do everything & has even started popping to the local shopping centre with Mum and me & Marc have then met them for a coffee and it has felt like old times...I like that :)
There are times when I feel incredibly lonely & so scared - but I have the most supportive husband in the world. Without him I really do not know how I would cope. My brothers & sister in laws have been amazing too...we're all pulling together & I feel closer to them than I ever have done in my life. Friends...there are the odd few who just do not understand. Last week was a really tough point for me & I got a bit of hassle of a couple of "friends" who just do not understand. But I'm not focussing on that or any other drama...I have some amazing close friends who completely support me & are there for me & my amazing family - I feel so proud of all of them!
Dad made me giggle last night. He had felt a bit down on Sunday - I knew that & hated leaving him Sunday night. I spoke to him yesterday on the phone in my lunch break and he said he felt a bit low but only because it had been such an amazing weekend & he didn't want it to be over. Last night I was in the kitchen making him a cuppa & I thought I'd check that nothing else was bothering him - I was worried that he had noticed something was wrong. So I asked him "what colour is your poop"...for some reason I was worried that it had changed again (when the liver was not functioning properly)...he didn't hear me which worried me as I thought something was wrong...and so I asked him again "Sky blue" was his quick response this time. The git :) But everything is fine...I told him he can ALWAYS talk to me if anything is worrying him...I want him to know that. He also told me how he KNEW his liver was affected way before we found out as he noticed a couple of symptoms yet he hadn't told any of us as he didn't want to frighten us. He also said he knew that his liver is now functioning better but didn't want to get our hopes up in case his blood tests revealed something different. He just continuously tries to protect all of us...and puts everyone else before himself!
I will do my Wedding blog this weekend hopefully...just thinking of that day puts the biggest smile on my face :) xxx
