Wow...it's been AGES since I've blogged. I have been meaning too but every
time I have gone to blog I've made excuses not to...I don't know why. I just
feel like shutting everything away sometimes. Of course I'm now regretting it
because I worry that I will forget things about Dad that I have been meaning to
write about :(
Things have been really tough lately. I went through a couple of months of
being strong...I only realise now, now that I'm feeling weak as anything, that I
WAS being strong. When Dad was first diagnosed I wanted to shut the world
out...I wanted to be with dad 24/7 and I couldn't talk to or see friends
really...i just felt so tearful and pretty sure I cried every single day in the
first few months after dad's diagnosis. On the evening of our Wedding (which we
planned in just 3.5 weeks) I was hysterical...it was such a special day but also
extremely emotional and hard for me...and everyone who shared our day with us.
Since then I have thrown myself into doing things to make Dad proud....I have
had a focus all the time that I could get Dad involved in to help us focus on
something other than this evil disease.
So far this year....ALL for my dad I have:
1) Got married to my amazing husband Marc - We planned the whole wedding in just 3.5 weeks and Dad was involved every single step of the way...
2) Passed my driving test - it may not seem a big thing but for me it was...I
found it REALLY hard and it took me 3 attempts to pass...3rd time lucky!
3) Raised over £1600 for Cancer Research doing race for life with some of my
family and friends. We all wore badges saying Dave's Dollies (I'll try and post
a pic below) and all wrote on our backs that we were doing it for Dad...so he
had 21 girls doing it all for him ("Takes me back to my teenage years" he
joked!!!)...i'll never forget that day. I didn't tell Dad how much we had raised
until I got there that morning...I took him to one side and told him. I didn't
expect his reaction at all...He cried and hugged me so tight....he was overcome
with emotion and he was so proud. I then showed him my back and what I had
written which made him cry more. Thankfully I had my shades on so I hid my
tears! He posed for loads of pictures with us all and I literally felt so proud
of my friends and family for doing it with me...I felt supported and like I
wasn't alone. But I also felt very emotional and uptight that day...one of my
friends was late & I wanted to wait for her but my mum marched off and told
everyone we had to get to the start line and get started. We all seemed to drift
apart during the race then and I felt really uptight and got angry at my mum...I
know I shouldn't have and I know it didn't matter as long as we were all doing
it for dad and raising money but I just felt on edge and tearful. Dad soon
cheered me up though...I got to the last bit of the race & there was Dad
RUNNING alongside us (even though we were walking haha!) taking pictures of us
with the biggest grin on his face. Bless him...that day was all for him & I
have vowed to run it next year. I looked over at Dad when we had all finished
the race & he was laid on his side on the grass looking relaxed and taking
it all in...I think he was overwhelmed by everyones support. I want to try &
do more things to raise money for Cancer Research / Macmillan using the Dave's
Dollies name...perhaps this will be my next little project.
4) Got a small pay rise and a really good review at work after my first year
of being there. Being able to tell Dad that my manager was so pleased with how I
was doing and telling him all the positive stuff she said about me as a person
and about my work was amazing. I wanted him to know that what is going on is not
having a bad impact on my work...I know he will worry otherwise.
5) We have been approved a mortgage for our first house and have managed to
save for the deposit completely by ourselves. Ok...we still need to find a house
but we are looking at loads and getting Dad involved as much as we can so that
he can be a big part of it and focus on something positive...he is so proud
:)
I've been struggling the last week or so. When I had things like the Wedding
and Race for Life I found it easier to be strong...I found it easier to see and
talk to people...I started opening up more & spending more time with our
friends. Our closest friends have been truly amazing...I have a number of people
I know I can go to anytime I need them and of course Marc is beyond amazing. But
the last week I have struggled again...I don't really WANT to see anyone...I
want to just be with Dad. I know that I need to do things as Dad wants me to
carry on as normal and do things I enjoy...see my friends...have date nights
with Marc etc. but I feel SO guilty. I feel guilty if I'm out having fun...I
feel guilty if I don't spend as much time with Dad one evening because I'm tired
or because I want to go home & chill out with Marc...I feel guilty if I EVER
feel happy thinking about the future...in our house...one day having our
honeymoon...starting a family...I know that Dad wants me to be happy but i just
feel so lost at the moment.
One thing I have really struggled with...and this sounds SO
selfish/shallow/ridiculous...is seeing people's wedding photographs on
facebook...yes really. We planned ours SO quickly...and yes it was amazing &
I wouldn't change a thing...but it was an incredibly hard & emotional day
and I feel like I was in a daze for most of it. I see other people who have
planned their wedding for a year...then they are SO happy on their wedding day
and in their photographs they look SO happy. I WAS happy...don't get me
wrong...but there was sadness behind my eyes too...it was a very difficult day.
I wouldn't change it for the world because dad got to give me away and see me
marry the love of my life and being married to Marc is just wonderful....he is
my rock & I feel SO lucky to be able to call him my husband. We have a video
which i love because it is like reliving the day all over again when we watch
it...it is perfect memories. We never had a honeymoon because I don't want to go
away and leave Dad. We have promised ourselves we will have one one day...but
anytime I stop and think about that I feel SO guilty and the thought of going
away scares me because I know Dad may not be here then...
When I see other couples jetting offf on 3 week honeymoons...or just
generally going on holidays, trips away, date nights....I feel sad. I know I
shouldn't....but Marc and I barely have any proper time together at the moment.
We work long hours and then go and see Dad every night which of course we both
want...but i just feel so sad sometimes and would literally give anything in
this world for things to go back to how they were before....before Dad was
diagnosed. I feel physically and emotionally tired/drained a lot of the
time...
I have realised in the last week or so that Dad only tells me, Marc and Mum
how he is TRULY feeling. To my brothers, friends and family...he puts on a
front. He puts on a brave face and plays down any side effects etc. With us...we
see it all...his down days...when he is in pain...when he is worried/scared/on
edge. I had a bit of a meltdown on Saturday...I ended up taking it out on Marc
which I have not really done yet & it broke my heart. Thankfully Marc is the
most understanding husband in the world and he knows how hard I am finding
everything. I literally do not know how I would cope with any of this without
him...I have never ever known support like it...he is just amazing beyond
words.
When I was upset on Saturday I did the most silly thing...I went and saw mum
& dad and ended up breaking down in front of them. I was SO annoyed with
myself...I sobbed my heart out and said how worried about dad I had been and how
I just felt so needy and emotional and that upset Dad. I haven't cried in front
of Dad for absolutely months...I always hold it in in front of him then sob my
heart out to Marc. I was so worried that Dad seeing me upset would mean that he
wouldn't open up to me as much....but thankfully he is still.
Dad has been really bad this week. He has really bad mouth ulcers so
struggling to eat....this makes him feel weak...and then he gets frustrated and
down and feels guilty because he can't do things. Mum said he was crying to her
the other day about it because he feels so guilty :( He said to us the other day
that he is an invalid now...of course this isn't true and he IS still doing
things. But my Dad is a proud man...he has always helped out around the
house...he has always been the one to lift heavy things...always been the one to
support everyone else...and now he feels like he can't do any of that. I keep
trying to plan little things for him to look forward to. Before this week he was
always well up for that..but now if I suggest something he just says "Well let's
see what happens...let's see how I feel...". It is so heartbreaking. He admitted
to me on the phone the other day that he thinks the cancer has spread....I'm not
sure why he thinks this...he said it is because he feels unwell...but I worry
that he is in more pain than he is letting on or he has found something and not
told us...he only told ME that too. I looked up some stuff on the internet...he
was worried it had gone to his pancreas or adrenal glands...and phoned back but
mum answered and I told her...she didn't even know that he was thinking that it
had spread :( I called the nurse because I was so worried and she said it is
unlikely the cancer has spread in the 3 weeks since his check up which I told
Dad - "Well that has cheered me up straight away" he said. I said to him that I
felt so helpless at the moment and hate seeing him so down - "Oh you are doing
more than enough for me" he said. I said to him that I am trying but I don't
have all the answers though.."Well I don't know about that...you seem to have
most of them Sar" he said. That broke my heart...I really don't and sometimes I
just do not know what to say...I don't want to fill him with false hope but I
want to keep his spirits up and get his fighting, strong, upbeat, positive
attitude back.
The bond I have with Dad is so incredibly strong...I feel like he opens up to
me so much and confides in me...but I also feel incredibly alone at times. No
one else knows how he truly feels or knows when he is so down. My brothers told
me I need to take a step back and not suffocate him...I asked Dad if I was and
he said that is really loves seeing me and Marc every day and he looks forward
to us coming in every night...he was adamant that he wants to see us every day.
He said he looks forward to our lunchtime chats (I call him every lunchtime) and
he said he likes to have a sit and read my texts throughout the day because they
make him smile. I just sometimes wonder if I'm doing everything wrong :( Me and
Marc go in every night and help out round the house a bit...fill up and empty
the dishwasher...feed the dogs...make cups of tea...stuff like that. Am i making
dad feel like he CAN'T do things? Am I making him feel MORE guilty. Marc
suggested I try and not ask him about how he is feeling all the time...i.e. try
and talk about other things to help take his mind off things. I tend to say "how
you feeling today pops? tired?"...i need to stop doing that. Marc is brilliant
at talking to him about other things...like football for example! I broke down
the other night....it feels like i don't even know what to say to my dad anymore
:( I am so worried about doing or saying the wrong thing...it is so so hard.
Everything feels so very up and down...one minute dad can seem ok...and then
the next he can seem really tired...down...and ill :( It's so hard to explain to
people who don't see how different he can be from one day to the next...it's
hard to update people on how he is doing because it changes so quickly and I
forget what I have told people to be honest.
Dad was meant to go up to scotland this weekend with my mum to see my two
brothers...but he is too unwell to go. He says his legs feel weak and heavy and
he couldn't face the train journey...so Marc and I are going to stay with him
from tonight until Monday...I just need to get his spirits back up. I know he is
probably feeling even worse because he can't go to scotland....I need to lift
him up again.
Apart from the last week....we have still managed to have some really good
times with Dad. Marc and I took mum and dad to this lovely village pub for
breakfast one weekend...dad loved it. He eat the lot and then suggested we take
mum there for sunday lunch for her birthday which we did. Dad was a bit gutted
though as they had run out of roast dinner AND fillet steak....his rib-eye steak
was too grissly he said :) he's very particular with his steak!!! That was a
lovely afternoon though. We also took mum to the zoo for her birthday...that was
a brilliant day and dad loved it. It was hard going though....he took a walking
stick and we sat down loads...it sort of hit home then just how weak he has
gotten....and I HATE using that word about my dad :( of course to me he is still
my strong dad...but his legs are weak and he struggles with walking too much. We
had an amazing day though...I made sure we got loads of pictures...including dad
feeding the giraffes...which was amazing :) Dad was happy too...he was smiling
and joking like always...and he eat LOADS that day...a sausage bap, an ice
cream, scone with strawberries and cream and a HUGE hotdog!! I have a video of
Marc feeding some of his hotdog bun to a duck....and I caught dad saying how
bloody lovely the hot dog was too...perfect :) I then cooked spaghetti
bolognaise from scratch for mum, dad and Marc. Well you would have thought I had
cooked a 5 course gourmet meal the way dad went on about it..he LOVED it!!! He
said that was his favourite meal of the whole day :)
Little things we have done together make me smile too when I'm having a bad
day. Like the other week there was a baby bird stuck in a tree out in the back
garden. Our cat, who is a little madam, went for the bird!! Dad went crazy....he
hates any animal getting hurt (he tells me off if i kill a spider!). He went
outside and was trying to find a place for the bird to be kept safe...mum was
holding the bird and dad just had sooo much sympathy for this tiny little
bird...I just love seeing him like that. He is such a caring, gentle man. He
told me about a cat he had when he was younger...he said this cat was sooo
gentle...he used to catch birds but just hold them gently in his mouth...he
never ever used to hurt them. I love dads stories...it's funny how much I really
listen and take in every little thing he says...
I love sitting there in the evening with him just chatting. The other week we
were laughing at adverts...god he HATES adverts haha!!! He was saying how
"Corny" the bank adverts with singing are...hahaha...the fact he used the word
"corny" just made me laugh! Then he was mimicking a toothpaste advert...he just
makes me laugh!!! I love how when I'm out in the kitchen tidying up...if I'm on
my own...he will come out and chat to me...I feel like he opens up and confides
in me so much. I love hearing him and Marc chat too...I know he is so grateful
to Marc for all his support and know he thinks of him like a son...that is so
precious to me.
I need to get my strong head back on. I need to stop looking back (I get
moments where i feel guilty for being a cow when i was a teenager to
dad...although dad says i wasn't even that bad!!! He says I just used to get a
bit moody in my dancing days when things got intense..e.g. at competitions
etc.)....and I need to stop looking forward. I need to live for today and stop
feeling sorry for myself. Mum is worrying me too....she is very good at shutting
away her feelings to the back of her mind and not talking about things...I try
and talk to her and I try and get her to join in when I am reassuring dad about
things but she doesn't seem to talk much at the moment. I am hoping this break
will do her good and I will take her out next week for a coffee and a chat. This
weekend is all about trying to lift Dad back up!!!
Today I feel sad too...exactly 12 years ago today I was getting my GCSE results...and my mum was battling breast cancer...now 12 years later Dad is battling lung and liver cancer...life just seems so very unfair.
xxxx
