Yesterday was the day we found out if Dad could have chemo. I'll be honest...I had not seen Dad for a couple of days as I have a really bad cold so been trying to stay away (the hardest thing EVER as seen him every single day since NYE) and it sort of felt like all of this wasn't happening. Of course I've spoken to him on the phone about 3 or 4 times a day and text him but it didn't feel like yesterday was happening really. But when I DID sit & think about it I thought the worst (as you do) and thought Dad may be told there is nothing they can do at all and treatment wasn't an option.
I haven't really been thinking too much about our wedding as I had a awful feeling the doctors were going to say there was nothing they could do and he could leave us in a matter of weeks. The stress, worry & anxiety has really got to me this past week. I've got a cold but also I've had a bad throat, head, stiff neck, achey all over and completely off my food (never heard of with me trust me!!!). But yesterday I pulled myself together and went to the hospital with Dad, Mum, Marc & my eldest brother.
We all went in the room with Dad...all 4 of us. The doctor explained how serious it was...which of course we knew. But then did, what I think is the worst thing possible, said to Dad "Has anyone spoken to you about time? Would you like to know"...to which Dad said yes...and the doctor said 6 months on average...chemo COULD extend that if you react well to it. I was STUNNED. They said Dad can have chemo which gave him and all of us just that glimmer of hope...but the whole talk of "time" left my Dad and everyone shell shocked. To be honest my mum and I knew roughly what the prognosis would be...through talking to the nurse on the phone & through my own research but IF Dad had not been told that he would have been SO much more positive.
We left the hospital room and my 45 year old brother was just silent...then he walked out the front of the hospital (ahead of my mum & dad) and just cried. I cried a bit but held it together...I knew how bad those appointments were but it was the first one my brother had been too & it was tough for him. That was the first time i've ever seen him cry...it was so heartbreaking to see.
The rest of the day is a bit of a blur really. Calling/texting family & friends to tell them what was happening was pretty hard. I only cried once which was on the way back to the hospital with Marc & later when we went out to practice my driving but not in front of Dad. I vow to stay strong in front of him as much as I possibly can. I asked Dad if he wants us to not go through with the wedding...I don't want too much pressure on him. Of course he wouldn't hear of it..."no way...I'd rather you did it now than in 5 years time when I won't be here to see it". Talking of the wedding gives him something good to look forward to & gives him something else to focus on. I am going to make him proud that day & I know I will be SO incredibly proud of him too.
I spoke to one of my brothers yesterday on the phone who none of my family (except for 1 brother) have spoken to in over 10 years. He heard about Dad from my brother and was devastated and wanted to get back in contact but was scared (in case any of us rejected him I think). So I thought sod it...life is too short & if he never gets in touch he will regret that for the rest of his life. I called him up & spoke to him & it was absolutely fine. I really do hope he gets back in touch with Mum & Dad...I think it will help them if we all just pull together as much as possible now.
Marc and I had steak with my Mum & Dad last night...I sat up at the table next to Dad (Marc & mum on the sofa with theirs!) and I just treasure moments like that now. Me and Dad love our steak! :) He loved it and said his normal "That was bloody handsome...thanks love" to my Mum :)
I feel so protected & looked after right now. I am the youngest out of 7 children (5 brothers and 1 sister) and all of this has brought me so much closer to my family...the brother who came yesterday is continuously phoning, texting me to check I am ok. He had me & Marc round for dinner the other night & he's taking Marc out suit shopping for the wedding. My sister in laws have been fantastic too...and Marc's side of the family just look after me so well. Close friends (who are more like family than friends) have been amazing & I really do feel like I have a strong network of support...I think that's important.
I'm worried about my Mum as all of this is so hard on her. I know she is worried about what will happen once Dad loses his fight but I am trying to reassure her that we will look after her. I'm going out wedding dress shopping with her tomorrow whilst Dad, Marc & my brother watch the football. I'm trying to plan nice things for everyone to look forward to as much as I can. I kind of feel like it's now my turn to step up & be the adult and look after my mum & dad and also the rest of the family as much as I can. I just hope I am strong enough to do it.
I feel quite a bit of anger (although I'm going to try and hold it together for now). Dad said he had told the nurses at the doctors about his cough ages ago but they brushed it off as a side effect of his blood pressure tablets. All well & good but surely they should have investigated it?! My dad has regular tests & check ups for his blood pressure & i think his cholesterol too but not once did anyone pick up on anything. Also I feel anger at home my Dad was told in a corridor of a hospital "You've got a shadow on your heart..you need to go to A&E..." followed by hours & hours in A&E still to be told nothing really...just that he needed a CT scan. Then it has been all the waiting in between...it has been horrific...surely there is a quicker way?!
Then it was the consultant who said to my Dad "You can do 1 of 2 things...go on a round the world trip...or try chemo". That same consultant also told Dad if he got jaundice he wouldn't be able to have chemo (hence we've all been looking into his eyes everyday for any sign of yellow...looking at his skin...worrying about his itching) yet the onchologist yesterday told us if he does get jaundice they can use steriods to counteract it. The whole "time" discussion...was it REALLY necessary for the onchologist to ask my Dad that? I KNOW they have to be realistic but couldn't he have waited to see if Dad asked?! I just feel very let down to be honest.
I feel anger that the government do not put enough money into researching treatments/cures for cancer....they waste their money elsewhere and have their priorities all wrong.
My brother is looking into getting my Dad on a clinical trial after his first round of chemo...we will see. I'm not giving up on my Dad without a fight xxx
