I haven't blogged in ages simply because I think I have been bottling everything up and in a way...I think i've been in denial. I also stopped coming on the Macmillan website as everytime I saw a new blog post...a new forum topic...or anything really...it HIT me so hard and I just think I needed a break from it.
I am back now though as I feel I need to get everything out & hopefully that will help. Marc & I have been really busy with our wedding plans...we found out when dad's first lot of chemo would be & then we booked our wedding for his 3rd week (meant to be his good week?!)...So we booked it literally ONE month before the actual day. Wedding plans have been a welcome distraction to be honest...not only for me and Marc but also for my family...and especially for my Mum and Dad. The past 2 weeks has been non-stop and having the wedidng to talk about has really really helped Dad focus on something other than what he is going through.
One of my favourite nights EVER with my Dad was last week. Dad had his first session of chemo on the Wednesday...I went round to see him that night & I could not believe how good and well he looked (despite him faking being out of it...laying back with his eyes & mouth open...ever the joker!!!). He had this sudden burst of energy from Wednesday-Sunday and all he could think about was music!! Music for our wedding!! Basically he is the biggest music fanatic ever! He has THOUSANDS of cds...so Marc and I asked him to be our "wedding dj" and sort out all the music for the ceremony, the reception drinks and lunch. Well...that made him SO happy. So a couple of days after chemo...when most people would be relaxing & sleeping...he was up & about looking through all his cds and writing a list of all the ones he thought we should include. So one night I went round & he played me LOADS of songs!!! It was amazing...he played me his & mums song - "More than I can say" by Leo Sayer. And loads of other songs with amazing words!!! One that will stick in my mind is when he said "This song is what Marc would have sung after he met you"...and it was "I'm onto something good"...that made me smile :)
Dad LOVED that night...he played the music SO loud that me and Mum could barely hear ourselves think but it was brilliant. Dad was laughing & smiling & we chatted so much that night about me & Marc and about how much Dad loves him too. We talked about the time I got my heart broken & how Dad wanted to lamp the lad :) And that led to him telling me with pride how he used to be a tough nut back in the day (well hardly hehe!) and how he knocked someone out once! Hearing my dad sing along to the songs and sit there listening to the words and pointing his finger up when there was a specific line he liked....was something that will stick in my mind forever. I had a huge headache that night but I did not care...it was so special to me. Dad wrote down a list of about 40 songs and we are going to put them onto cds and I will always have fond memories of that evening and of our wedding.
The day Dad had chemo I also took him in some cufflinks that I had got him for the wedding...silver ones engraved with "With thanks and love to the Father of the Bride" and the date of our wedding. He LOVED them! I wrote a heartfelt message on the box saying how proud I am of him & how I cannot wait to walk down the aisle with him. He looked really choked up and was SO grateful!!!
Dad has shown so much excitement and enthusiam about the wedding. He cannot wait!! I went out on Saturday with my Mum to pick up my dress and get my tiara, shoes and jewellery...I text him every step of the way to tell him what I had got etc. "Goodo" he replied when I told him I had picked up my dress ok (he had been worried that they would sell it even though I'd put a deposit on it..bless him!). I also showed him our order of service books that we had written our own words in...I thanked Dad for being the "music man" and also thanked our parents for all their support and love and for making us the people we are today. Mum cried when she read them & Dad welled up too.
We also told Dad how the video man is going to capture Dad as he walks in and sees me for the first time in my wedding dress..."Oh gawd" he said....I think he's going to be very emotional bless him :) I've told him not to peek at my dress too as it is hung up in their house..."Oh I won't" he said...and I know he won't as he wants it to be a suprise!!!
So it has all been upbeat & positive really....I speak to Dad loads every single day and see him every day unless I am ill (like I am today with a horrible cold!). I phone him at lunchtimes and sometimes he chats for AGES...I love how strong our bond is. We have ALWAYS been close but I literally feel like I couldn't get any closer to him if I tried. I love chatting to him...I love hearing him chat about the wedding and how excited he is and how he is going to do a speech with my mum. The other day he said to me "Sar...I hope I'm not being to presumptuous...but i LOVE my cufflinks so much....and I think maybe you could get Mum something to wear on the wedding day too...something she can keep". Of course I had thought about that but that is my Dad down to a T...never wants to leave anyone out...never wants to hurt or upset anyone...he literally ALWAYS puts everyone else first. We gave my mum a lovely bracelet engraved too...Dad smiled so much when we gave it to her!!!
Sunday night Dad took a bit of a turn for the worse...he just suddenly got SO tired and looked completely washed out!!! And he has been like that since...which is making him feel really down as he can't do anything!!! I feel so helpless as he is home alone and I know how boring that must be :( I wish I could be there with him all the time. Weekends are easier as we are all around to spend time with him but weekdays I really struggle with. We are waiting to find out his blood test results right now...to see if he can take his chemo tablets. The hospital said they would call anytime from 1pm today but so far nothing. I just feel sick & so anxious. If they say he cannot take them I know it will knock him back.
I just hope he starts to feel less tired and achey soon and gets that burst of energy back. Last week it almost felt like nothing was wrong...he seemed so well & had all his colour back and just was up & about like normal!! Because of the steroids he was eating loads too and really enjoying his food again. I hope he starts to perk up soon...I hate seeing him like this...
I text him the other night and said "You're so brave pops..you're my hero". His reply made me cry "Bit of an act really! If you believe and pretend, that act becomes reality and your acting is no longer an act but is really you". That is something that will stick with me forever...he IS brave...and strong and I am SO proud of him it is unreal...I tell him every day just how proud I am of him and how much I love him.
I am really struggling this week...it feels like it is all hitting me & I feel less strong than before & less positive. I know I need to pull myself together. I never ever show Dad how I am feeling...in front of him I am positive and strong and my normal self..laughing and joking with him. I don't want to ever show him how afraid I am. I feel ratty and uptight this week...like I could snap at anyone who says or does anything. I feel angry one minute & extremely tearful the next....then really numb. Such a rollercoaster of emotions it is unreal. I find myself getting stressed about the wedding even though everything is nearly sorted....and again I don't know why!
My friends dad suddenly got rushed to hospital last night & with a bleeding to the brain and suffered a massive heart attack in the night and is now in a bad way :( That put things into perspective a bit...as selfish as that sounds...but we still have my Dad here right now...when I look too far ahead I break down...but I MUST focus on today & make sure I spend every moment I can with him & just tell him & show him how much I love him & how proud I am of him every single day xxx
