Hi all,
So blogging really helped me yesterday when I was at such a low point...and receiving such heart warming, lovely comments offering advice and sharing experiences really did help me & I hope it helped others too.
So after my breakdown yesterday morning where I could not stop crying...I wrote my blog post...got it all out...then pulled myself together. I booked in an appointment to register our notice of marriage on february 13th. We will look to get married in March I think...This is giving me something else to focus on and something "happy" to come out of all of this. In my positive moments I think...at least my dad will get to see me marry...not everyone is lucky enough to have that. I am going to go dress shopping with my mum and mother-in-law...I may try to get a dress that is my dads favourite colour too.
In my negative moments I think about the future and about how dad will never meet our children...that breaks my heart. Then I flip it round and think when we do have children it will offer my mum so much comfort....i'm trying to think of all the positives and trying to remain as strong as I can.
I also decided that I need to STOP feeling sorry for myself. I am not the only one who is finding this hard. My family are obviously feeling exactly the same, my fiance - although he is being amazingly strong for me & my family - he is so close to my dad and this is hard for him too and hard for him to see me crying my heart out every day - my fiance's family are also finding it hard - they love dad too and find it hard to see me & Marc and mum & dad go through this. I need to toughen up and be strong...for my dad, for my family and for myself too.
I need to look at it like this - so many people lose ones they love without any warning...they just go...and they have no time to say how much they loved them & to say goodbye. I have always told my dad for as long as I can remember that I love him and I am making sure I tell him more than ever now and also showing it...doing anything and everything I can for him. I have the time to say I'm sorry for throwing my strops that I used to...I'm sorry for not always spending enough time with him when I was younger...
I am also HUGELY grateful that my dad has had time to get to know Marc and I love how close they are and also how similar they are. My dad loves Marc as a son and I know that him seeing me marry my solemate will make him so happy and proud. They share the same sense of humour and are so similar in their ways..they are both so so considerate, kind, caring and would give you their last penny. They are both fiercly protective of their loved ones too and both very laid back. I am so so lucky to have such an amazing man to marry who is so similar to my dad...again not everyone is lucky enough to have that.
I also feel incredibly lucky that I have such a strong network of support. Marc is obviously my rock...I have cried to him every single day since NYE...at times I've been a bit ratty but he has been so understanding, so supportive. I also have his side of our family...all of whom are extremely supportive and are there for us all too. My family and close friends have been amazing too...my oldest brother who lives the closest to us has been incredible and all of this has drawn us closer together. And all the family seems to be pulling together. I just hope we can all stick together & carry on supporting each other.
I want to do everything I can to Dad proud too..
I want to pass my driving test...test booked for just a couple of weeks time and so far I am a bit rubbish! But I am determined to get better at it...practice lots...and pass for my dad.
Thinking about the future I want to do something to help other families going through this. I feel so much anger that certain cancers have no screening programmes in place. I am going to do something..whether it's set up a campaign to improve diagnosis or to limit the amount of waiting time in between appointments...or set up a support group local to us (my mum runs a breast cancer support group locally)...just anything I can do.
I am also going to continue blogging as much as I can. It helps me more than I thought it ever would...and I hope it will help others who are going through this too xxx
