Posh afternoon tea giggles...

Dad has had a bit of pain since Friday evening...sort of like a sharp twinge in his side. He played it down when he told me about it....and as usual tried to reassure ME and told me "Don't you worry love"...i know i'm his little girl and he never stops trying to protect me. Mum told me that he was actually doubled over in pain on saturday morning...dad immediately jumped in & said "No I wasn't!! don't say that...you'll worry her"!! Always worrying about me and everyone else rather than himself. I'v become a little nurse....I ask him so many questions "did you sleep ok"...."have you had any sickness".."what have you eaten today"..."have you drunk enough water"...I know I fuss but I know dad doesn't mind....I think sometimes he even has a little giggle to himself because I really do act like a little nurse :)

Despite this pain dad had we still went for afternoon tea on Sunday. I noticed when we drove up to the manor house & dad had that pain when he got out of the car. He said it could be a muscle strain as he moved a heavy box on friday afternoon but I'm not convinced...although of course i'm praying it is that. Afternoon tea was lovely...we took loads of photographs...and Dad looked so good in the pictures...he's put on weight & without knowing he has cancer you would never guess. We had such a giggle too...Dad was in pain when i kept making him laugh tho...he kept saying "ohh don't...it hurts when i laugh"...before errupting into giggles again!! I made him laugh when I was messing around posing with the teacup with my little finger stuck out...and the waitress walked in & caught me! Then when she asked what tea we wanted I said "Is that tea like PG tips?"..I'm like my dad..i do like my tea...good old builders tea as dad put it. That made him really laugh!! Then i spilt some of the tea when i was trying to pour it for dad...oooops!! Dad cringed a bit then laughed again :) We then went outside for a walk in the beautiful grounds....it was lovely to be out in the fresh air & somewhere different. We didn't stop laughing...dad was joking that the waitresses were probably going "Ooo thank gawd the riff raff have gone" and were probably spying at us with bonoculars from the manor house hehe! We saw where they hold weddings outside and that got us chatting about mine & Marc's wedding again...any mention of our day & dad says how perfect and amazing it was!! It couldn't have been any better he says :) I am SO glad we did it...dad did me so proud that day and I know I did him proud too! 

I've been struggling quite a bit lately...I felt so much anger and frustration last week. I've been taking it out on my poor mum a lot too. I think she tries to keep things as "normal" as possible and it is hard on her too...I understand that but I know i haven't been very patient with her lately. Marc knows how much I've been struggling & we both decided we wanted to start looking after ourselves a bit more too as we were both living on junk and not doing any exercise...so we joined up to a gym. It is the perfect place for us to go at the moment...we can see my dad every night still then go to the gym late at night when it's empty and zone out for a while. It sounds silly but when I'm on the machines I think about how angry I am with cancer....how angry I am that it is MY amazing wonderful dad going through this...and i pedal, run etc. as fast and hard as I can...afterwards i feel pretty good...far less stressed & in a bit of a better place mentally. I have only been 3 times so far this week and I noticed on Tuesday i had a much more positive day...yesterday I was fine until late in the evening. We couldn't go to the gym as Marc had to do a site visit for work & I really felt like I needed to get some anger/frustration out as it is dad's big appointment today...

I chilled out with dad last night on my own since Marc was at work & mum was at her breast cancer support group. it was just me, dad and our 2 dogs Ollie & Leo :) Dad was wathcing the footie and as the night went on he got less & less chatty....he is very very tired at the moment but also I think the worry of today was getting to him. He didn't eat as well as he has been yesterday & he just seemed very quiet. That was hard...for the first time possibly ever I struggled to know what to say to him. I KNEW how he was feeling & I knew what was most probably going through his mind...I felt so helpless. We did have a giggle still though...Ollie was cleaning Leo's ear and when he stopped Leo turned his head so he could do the other ear. Ollie licked away then stopped so Leo reached out his poor and touched Ollie as if to say "Well carry on then...!"...little things like that always make me and my dad laugh :)

When mum dropped me home last night we chatted like we haven't done for months. I think mum puts on a brave face & also she puts negative thoughts in a box and puts them to the back of her mind (she has said she does this). Well we chatted about how dad seemed so much worse this week...and I blurted out "how on earth are we all going to cope when dad gets worse"?! I explained to her how my main concern is how much pain dad will be in. It breaks my heart now to see him with just a tiny bit of pain...things are going to get so much worse and I don't want him to experience so much pain :( Mum reassured me that the nurses will make sure he doesn't suffer too much etc. but it just didn't feel real...us talking about the end. Then I just broke down...I sobbed uncontrollably...I'm so so scared. i am worried about how bad things will get for my dad...of course I want him here as long as possible...but I also don't want him to suffer so much...I would literally do ANYTHING in this world to take the pain away from him. I explained to my mum last night how I feel...I feel just GUTTED...gutted that this is happening to MY dad....I feel too young to be losing my dad!!! The thought that dad won't be around to meet my children when we start a family is devastating & so unfair. I said to mum how I wish when I was younger (teenager/early twenties) I had spent more time with dad & not been going out getting drunk every weekend etc. I said how I wished i'd been a better daughter...I used to snap at him for snoring in front of the tv...snap at him for chomping on his food...snap at him for sniffing/coughing (I'm one of those weird people who hates noises!!!)...snap at him for asking me the same question over & over. I HUGELY regret that now...but mum says that is just life...we all snap at the ones we love sometimes. I regret when I was a kid telling him I hated him...my hubby assures me ALL kids do this at some point! I'm not sure if I ever said "I hate you" but I remember him saying "Well that's both my daughters that hate me"...that sort of thing sticks with me now. My mum said how proud dad is of me...and how I've been an amazing daughter but I just feel like I could have been better. I've always been close to him and he's the one I have always gone to for advice. He's so wise & just GETS me...he knows how to handle me when I'm having one of my strops...he calms me down and listens to how I feel then normally says "Sar....I know how you feel but you'll get there...it's annoying I know but stick at it...you'll be there before you know it"...when i'm moaning about not having our own house yet for example. He always says how well we are doing with saving for our house & I PRAY that he will be around to see us get our first home. He always says how well all of his kids are doing in their jobs etc...he is so proud of us all. I'm just thankful he has seen me grow up....seen me graduate...met my amazing Marc & given me away on our wedding day. I know not everyone gets that chance. 

I feel at times that I am starting to sort of grieve before we have even lost dad. I constantly think about the future...how bad things like get...and how it will be once we've lost him. I know I shouldn't think that far ahead....and I know I need to stay positive and strong for dad's sake...but it is so hard. My dad is my hero....he's the one who has always protects me. When there's a huge spider & I scream and make a fuss...he comes along, scoops up the spider (even the HUGE ones!) and puts it outside! When I've been heartbroken years ago...he was furious....he would have killed the bloke if he could have!! If anyone upsets me he is fiercly protective...I really am a daddy's girl :) We have the same sense of humour too and giggle away to ourselves most of the time! 

I am trying to take loads of pictures of dad...of course I have loads already but I want to make sure we do something nice every weekend...just one little trip out a week & make sure I take loads of pictures to treasure. 

Dad has his appointment with the oncologist today. I'm petrified. My hubby rang the nurse the other day bless him...he knew that I wouldn't be able to do it without breaking down on the phone. She said dad will be examined today but the pain is likely to be a strain or the effects of the chemo as it is still in his system and will be for a while. She said he won't be scanned for a while so what next?! We will find out more today hopefully....we have to wait until 3pm and I swear this morning is dragging so much!!! xxxx