My Amazing Dad....the start of the end :(

Dad went in for his blood test & came out smiling to himself...he said that whilst he was having it done he noticed two other patients looking over...so he looked at them, tilted his glasses onto his nose and then started faking severe pain at the nurse doing his blood test...before cracking up laughing!! That is the thing with Dad...he has never ever lost his sense of humour through all of this.

We went into see the nurse....and she decided that Dad was going to have to have a break from the Erlotinib. I had kind of guessed that some of his "side effects" were maybe a sign that things were getting worse...but Dad was determined as ever..."They better not stop my treatment completely...i couldn't bear it if they did" he said. He blamed himself for being too weak to fight it...he got really tearful that afternoon. He sat on the sofa...his eyes welling up...and said to me that he was worried about having this break...and what it would do...would it make things spread...was it a sign things were getting worse. I did everything in my power that afternoon to keep him positive and upbeat...and it started to work...he started gettig his fight back!!! He said that having a break would help him get his strength back (physical...not emotional as he is STILL the strongest person i have ever known)....and then he will be better by the time he saw the consultant at the end of September.

To be honest I feel let down by the hospital....they told us two weeks ago tomorrow that dad is to take a break and his consultant appointment would be moved forward...and the scan that he was due to have. Well mum has chased and chased and we heard nothing until yesterday. Dad wasn't even on the system to have the scan...they had made an admin fault. They finally gave us an appointment with the consultant for this coming monday...a scan on wednesday then not seeing the consultant for the results until the 27th. Anytime we have phoned the hospital with a problem...e.g. dads HUGE swollen feet/ankles, thrush/ulcers in his mouth etc. we have been told to go to see his GP. He last saw his GP on Thursday....he examined Dad and said he felt lumps/bumps around his stomach & said he thinks it has spread...then he looked at Dads notes....and said that this had been like it before so maybe not. Frustrating as hell....i KNOW from my own research & from what the doctor said when diagnosing dad that this is a sign that things are not good in his liver. 

Well things have taken a turn for the worse. The last few days i have noticed a change in Dad...he is a lot more quiet...even talking seems too much effort for him. Last night me, mum, marc and 1 of my brothers sat watching the football with him...we carried on as normal, laughing and joking, but dad did not join in like he normally does. He was quiet and withdrawn. This morning I woke up and I knew I couldn't go to work...I felt very run down & my manager had said i could work from home if I felt too run down to come in....but i just felt like i HAD to be with Dad.

Sure enough I got here...went upstairs with mum to see Dad...and I shouted out to him from my old room that i was sorry if I had woken him up (the dogs go MAD when i turn up!) and he got all disorientated...he didn't know it was me that was there calling out. Mum explained to me that Dad had a really bad night last night....he couldn't even sit up to have a drink...mum had to help him up and when he had a bath earlier in the evening he didn't have the strength to get out. Dad insisted on mum washing his hair though before she helped him out - still so proud of his hair as ever!!! He is extra thirsty and his mouth is all so so dry. He is also very very cold...and just exhausted. When I went in to see him later on in the morning he couldn't get himself up to have a drink...i tried to lift him up but I couldn't :( i had to call for mum who helped me...he said to me before mum had got there that he has never felt this ill in his whole life...i felt so helpless :( Dad said how he had noticed a change in his toilet....and he thinks his liver is playing up. He also has 

a strange smell around him...I know that this is a sign of his liver failing. 

The hospice doctors turned up at about lunchtime...dad managed to get downstairs and sat at the table whilst they talked to him. After several questions the doctor confirmed what we had guessed...that all these symptoms show that the cancer is progressing. Hearing the nurses tell Dad that he was going to die and asking Dad how he felt about dying was so surreal. Dad replied "Well I don't particularly want to go yet"....he didn't cry...he didn't break down...he still managed to smile when the nurses were chatting to him. I caught him looking at me...his eyes wide..a few times...trying to check I was ok. He put on a front in front of the doctors to begin with...but then i think he realised that things WERE bad and he needed to be honest with them. They asked where Dad wanted to be and Dad insisted that he stayed at home. I can't really remember what else they said....it all feels like a blur to be honest. When they told Dad he was dying...one of our dogs, Ollie suddenly ran to the back door then went outside and threw up. Coincidence maybe but I am 100% sure the dogs KNOW what is happening...they were soo quiet and snuggled up to dad once the nurses left too. They have been sulking almost...

When the nurses left Dad said to me..."well that's in then isn't it.." he said that when you go in a hospice you don't come back out...i didn't know what to say. I just sat on the sofa...as close to Dad as I could be. Mum took the dogs for a walk...whilst she was out Dad said to me "I thought I'd be around for longer than this Sar..."...I just said how gutting it is...i put my hand on his back as he leant forward and he said "Loads of people get this though Sar"..I said "Yeh...but why does it have to be my dad" and cried. Not sobs...just a few tears....I know it's ok to let Dad see me upset now but I still want to stay strong for him. I vowed to look after him..."You can't...you and Mum can't lose your jobs"...I told him I will be there for him every single step of the way and I will look after him. Then he said "Just promise me one thing Sar"..."If anything...god forbid...happens to mum, please will you promise me you will look after my boys for me" meaning his beloved dogs...he cried and so did I. I promised I would look after the boys and I will look after mum too. He told me that he is worried how mum will cope financially...but that is not important right now. I cried to him and said how I am so sorry I used to be so moody when I was younger..when I went through a bad patch & in my teenage years...i said I was sorry if I was not a good daughter. He laughed and said "Far from it Sar...you were never bad...you may have snapped at mum a couple of times but never at me" He said how we all go through hard times & I just went through a bad patch but when that happens family stick together & you get through it. He said he wanted to help me through it without "bullying" i.e. telling me what to do. He also said how when you grow up you go off in different directions...like move places...go to uni etc. I cried and said how I didn't fully appreciate things when I was younger and moaned about silly things..."But we all do that Sar"....None of that seems relevant now I guess. I said how we have done so much since his diagnosis and how we have had a bloody good 8 months together...."yeh we really have" he said. I cannot believe that this day 6 months ago Dad was proudly giving me away at our wedding day....and now today we are told he is losing his fight. It doesn't seem real. 

Everyone is gathering round now...my phone hasn't stopped going all day with phonecalls/texts from family & friends...I'm trying to stay strong & not break down every 5 seconds. I needed to blog to get my feelings out. I am trying my best to find out if I have a place in the London Marathon so I can tell Dad that I will do it for him....I rang up the london marathon people but they were no help at all and just said i will have to wait until the end of the month. I am gutted that dad is not going to be around to see me and Marc buy our first house...something he has been fully supporting since we started saving 4 years ago. I am so sad that he will never get to meet our children when we decide to start a family. I am so sad that i have only had 27 years with him. I am just thankful that the last 9 months I have seen dad every single day....we have made so many beautiful memories and I hope I have made Dad as proud as I can. He is sat up on the sofa now...with his electronic fag which helps calm him down...with one of the dogs snuggled next to him...watching his favourite - 'The Chase' and joining in - he ALWAYS knows all the answers - he's so intelligent my dad.

I am so grateful to have such an extremely strong bond with my Dad. He is honestly the most amazing man in the world. I am thankful that I am married to someone who reminds me so much of Dad in so many ways...someone who dad has grown to love as a son. I just hope we are all strong enough to get through this. xxxx