I am going to do a blog post on our Wedding day very soon - but I want to write that when I have more time and I can properly reflect on the amazing day that it was. My Dad did AMAZING....he was SO proud and he did us ALL proud...it was the bestest day of my life xxx
Since the Wedding I have struggled a lot. Leading up to the Wedding I had so much to plan & was looking forward to it SO much that it really helped..not just me but everyone else too...especially Dad. Now...I just feel lost.
Dad has had 2 lots of chemo & touch wood he has reacted fine....no bad side effects...just tiredness on the days when his blood count is low (he has it once every 3 weeks - so the 2nd week is the bad week). He literally amazes me. I see him every evening after work & spend all weekend with him....I text & speak to him on the phone when I'm not with him...the bond I feel with him is so strong & I cannot even put into words how proud I am of him. He said to me last night that he felt really tired yesterday - "But i'm not going to lie on the sofa & give in...so I cleaned all upstairs" he said. It's like he will not let this beat him. He's fighting it with everything he has...I am literally bursting with pride. He has always been my hero but seriously he is the most inspirational person I have ever met.
Saturday night me & Marc went round & cooked him chilli...we did mozzarella, rocket & cherry tomatoes for a starter and he went ga ga over it!!! Seriously...he is always SO appreciative of anything we do for him. He then had 1.5 plates of the chilli we cooked for him...he loved it!! Then we watched our Wedding video. LUCKILY me & Marc had watched it twice the night before and I had cried my eyes out then so I could hold it together better when we watched it with Mum & Dad. Mum looked so upset when she was watching it - I don't think she's coping very well with everything :( The video was amazing...one of the most amazing moments was when Dad walked in the room & saw me in my dress the first time...we got that caught by the video man & by the photographer - just magical.
Another favourite time of the video was when my Mum & Dad were interviewed by the videoman...Dad got really emotional & said: "What I will say...is carry on treating each other like you have done since day 1 & you will be fine for the rest of you lives..."...that is something I will ALWAYS remember. He also said how proud he was of us...it just brings a lump to my throat every time I think of it. The video captured moments when Dad struggled to hold his emotions together...times I didn't see where he was stood/sat behind or next to me. Like in my vows...there was one moment when I got emotional & at that EXACT moment my Dad looked up & took a deep breath (this is what he does when trying to not cry/let his emotions out!)...that was captured in a photograph and on the video too...just amazing.
I will talk more about our Wedding in a separate post as there is too much to say.
I am worried so much about the future. I keep thinking what in the world am I going to do without my dad? And I can’t imagine not ever seeing him again..I feel SO close to him & I just love sitting there talking to him every night...I love laughing & joking with him...I just do not know how I am going to cope. He is the person I go to for advice…he is so understanding…he knows how to deal with me when I am having a bad day…he makes everything ok!!! Sometimes it doesn't even seem real...it really just seems so so unfair :(
I can already feel myself getting pretty depressed…knowing that when we lose him things will never ever be the same again and I won’t ever feel happy again…just really hard to accept.
Dad is fighting...he's fighting with everything he has. He's lost weight but he's eating really well at the moment - sometimes he seems so well that it's almost like there is nothing wrong...then you remember and it hits you SO hard. I would do ANYTHING to take this away from Dad. I don't want him to have to go through this...I don't want him to be frightened...I don't want him to have any pain & to lose this fight :(
I’m also worried about my job as I’m not sure how I will cope when things get worse with dad….it’s all just a huge worry…
We’ve got an appointment with the consultant on Thursday…hopefully he will say dad is ok to go ahead with the final 2 courses of chemo and then we need to find out if they are going to try anything else.
Last night dad said about a concert he wanted to go to in October…then he said “but we can’t book it as we just don’t know…” and he seemed so so down…October is a long way off and if he fits in with statistics he won’t be here….
I know I need to be positive...I just feel sick to the stomach ALL the time lately :( My moods have been so up & down...at times I've taken it out on Marc...when he is not only my husband but my best friend...I need him more than ever yet at times I feel like I push him away. Thankfully he is the most amazing person & understands and is just so patient & is just there for me. He reminds me SO much of my Dad...they are both so alike in their ways...
I sat having my lunch yesterday & cried my eyes out. I just felt SO alone...I know I am not but I just feel so so frightened...
I have noticed how some friends clearly do not know what to say....some have not been supportive at all which hurts...But I just do not have the energy to focus on that.
All that matters right now is my wonderful Dad and my family xxx
