Well yesterday was certainly one of those days....I held it in all day then Marc (my fiance) met me from work and I just cried my heart out. Marc is amazing...he held me, cuddled me, wiped my tears and reassured me. I managed to calm down after saying how i didn't feel like i was doing enough & I was worried about not giving my dad the right sorts of food to eat...and Marc said he would come food shopping with mum and I on Saturday & he would help cook some stuff for my dad...so that set me off again! His support is beyond amazing...
We stayed with Dad last night. Mum had to stay away for the night with work bless her...so we stayed over...it was lovely. Marc, Dad and I just sat chatting all night...then Marc went up to bed and me and my Dad sat and watched Eastenders...his favourite :) To be honest I never really watch it anymore but I wanted to watch it with Dad more than anything last night and I didn't care how tired I was...I was determined to sit with him & the dogs and watch it. He liked that and it is moments like this I am trying to make sure we have as much as we possibly can.
In the night it was hard as I could hear Dad coughing...he sounds in pain and that is so so heartbreaking :( This morning I got up & made him a cuppa before we left for work which he absolutely loved and he text me when we'd left saying how great it was to have us there. I would stay there every night if we could...I hate being apart from him so much :(
So tonight we are going to tell Dad about the wedding. We haven't really told anyone yet..we need to word it in such a way that he doesn't think we are losing hope because that is the LAST thing we want him to think. And it's not because we are losing hope...we want something nice for him to look forward to and something nice for everyone during this hard time. Last night I started doubting myself...am I selfish to even THINK of a wedding (even though it's going to be VERY small & very low key)...just because I want my Dad to be there?! Shouldn't I be focussing solely on Dad and his treatment?! What will my family think..will they think I am being selfish?! But then if we don't do this and we lose Dad I will regret not doing it...
I basically feel awful today :( I keep crying at the smallest thing..I've been getting so many lovely texts from family & friends and Marc has been beyond amazing....so I keep getting emotional all the time. I actually threw up this morning...I am not ill but I think it is just the worry and stress of everything. I am trying to make sure Marc, Mum and I don't get ill as we are the ones who are with Dad the most. I just wish to god they had caught the cancer earlier....I feel so helpless & the pain is unbearable. I look at my poor dads face & it breaks my heart...what is he thinking?! Is he scared?! I sit down and talk to him every single day but I know my Dad...he will do anything and everything in his power to protect me and the rest of the family.
We find out next Thursday whether he can have chemeo or not. This fills me with so much fear....and it does my Dad too. He said last night about how he just hopes to god he can have chemeo. The unknown is so so scary. I love my Dad so so so so much...I keep feeling extremely regretful...regretting times I snapped at hime for making noises when he eats (yes really!)...regretting moaning to him about things I thought were the end of the world (drama queen right here!)...regretting not spending as much time with him as I could have done in the past...I just want more time with him & that is the most painful thing in the world. I don't want to see my amazing Dad suffer...I don't want to see him in pain...I don't want him to live on borrowed time....
I feel so so so worried about the future....what will my Mum do? Where will she live? How will she cope? And the worry that she will be lonely breaks my heart...her and my Dad are always out and about at different places. Marc and I love nothing more than spending time with Mum & Dad...how can we possibly even imagine life without him?
I feel so so much anger. Why if lung cancer, liver cancer (and probably other cancers too) do not display symptoms until they are advanced is there not a screening process in place?! The nurse said that they would only be able to operate if the tumour was small and then it wouldn't have even been picked up by an x-ray. Surely the government need to put more money into screening programmes, research etc. It is all just so so unfair :(
xxx
