Well today is going to be one of THOSE days I think. Woke up this morning and like every morning my poor dad was the first thing on my mind. We saw him last night & hearing him coughing so much & seeing him fall asleep so easily on the sofa & catching him lost in his thoughts...is so so so hard. It scares me how these symptoms seem to be coming out more now...he said he has been itching in the night which worries me as I worry he is going to develop jaundice. His skin doesn't look yellow but his eyes look a bit off colour when he looks to the side...i'm not sure if that has always been there though. I find myself panicking over every little thing.
I sat next to him last night and said "Dad how are you feeling about everything? You can talk to me & Marc about anything you know?"...as we were the only ones with his last night (went round to watch Arsenal play - with my dad shouting at the TV as they were playing rubbish!)...and he said "no honestly...I'm fine". I said "Dad...your problem is you worry about everyone else too much"..and he said "That's the way I've always been though"...And it's soooo true. He would give you the shirt off his back...he is THE most generous, caring & considerate person in the world...he is so fiercly protective of us all. I dread to think what is going through his mind at the moment...it must be so incredibly scary for him...everything is so uncertain. I hate to see him in pain & suffering....the thought of this getting worse just breaks my heart :(
I feel pretty negative today....I KNOW the prognosis for lung cancer with liver cancer is bad...Cancer is going to take my lovely lovely dad from us & it is so hard to accept...sometimes it doesn't even feel real. I am keeping everything crossed that he can have chemeo....we will know next Thursday if he can or not. I am full of unaswered questions - Will he develop jaundice before next Thursday?... How fast will he go downhill?... Is there ANYTHING we can do to help - i.e. change of diet?! ...I feel so incredibly helpless and would do ANYTHING to take this away from my dad.
The wedding planning has started. We have decided we want our brothers and sisters there...and a couple of close family friends. There will be 30 guests in total if everyone can make it so still very small. We thought about it a lot and decided that it would be lovely for dad to have everyone together in the same room...and it will also be support for all of us too. We are also going to tell my dad about it in a positive way - this is such a horrible time but everyone is pulling together & me & Marc want to do something "happy" for dad and for everyone else! Marc and I are going to look at wedding venues on Saturday hopefully and we will start organising...even with such a small wedding it seems there's a fair bit to organise!
We are also going to take a good look at nutrition and see what we can do for my dad - sooo hard as his appetite has gone so downhill. We are taking him out for dinner on saturday night to a lovely little village pub. I cannot wait to be honest....moments like this I really am treasuring so much.
On top of this the aim is to still try and pass my driving test! Must get some extra practice in pronto!!
We are staying with my dad tonight....my mum has had to go away for the night for work & so we are having a sleepover with my dad & the dogs. Little things like this I really do look forward to. Must stay strong for my pops xxx
