Wow...what a weekend...rollercoaster of emotions like never before. On Friday night Marc & I told Dad that we were going to get married. He has been a bit down and Mum was really worried about him...well telling him our news completely lit up his face...the grin he gave me is something I will never ever forget...he got the sparkle back in his eyes and was just sooo chuffed.
He did say "You're not just doing this because you think I'm on my way out are you?" Of course we made sure he knew that wasn't the case...we just want to get married & to be honest after looking into it all I think after buying our house we would struggle to afford it! Even though we are doing it very very small & inexpensive! Plus it has been an horrific start of the year for Dad and the whole family...this gives everyone something to look forward to!
I sat on the sofa next to Dad, we were both sat the same...elbows on knees...and I said "So pops...will you walk me down the aisle"...he had tears in his eyes and he went "yeehhhh course!!!"...so proudly!!! We then spoke about songs that we could walk down the aisle to (my dad LOVES his music!)...mum suggested Father & Daughter by Paul Simon. Marc & I went home & listened to it...PERFECT!! The words are beautiful but it is not a slow depressing song...it is upbeat and gorgeous...we both sobbed our hearts out listening to it.
Saturday we went to look at the wedding venue and fell in love with it...it is only going to be a very simple ceremony & then a few drinks & cupcakes afterwards...not a big flashy meal. We can't afford it and also we always wanted a low key wedding! We both left the venue and cried as we felt so happy & lucky to be getting married...of course my Dad giving me away is the most amazing thing in the world & I feel so happy that we are doing it now.
Saturday night we took mum & dad out for dinner. Dad was very very tired but he eat most of his meal & had a good time. He then suggested another song for the signing of the register...The Rose by Bette Midler..one of his favourite songs...got to be done!! :) And we decided on roses too as our flowers...he loved that idea!!
Sunday was a bad day. Dad received his attttendence allowance form (they had delivered it to the wrong address so someone dropped it round). In the hospital the nurse had said to Dad he would be entitled to the highest rate & straight away. He read the forms and it said this would be the case if you had a terminal illness & were not expected to live beyond 6 months...well that hit him like nothing else. He was SO down...he said "that's not very encouraging is it?" and for the first time he looked REALLY scared...I felt so so helpless...I don't know if he knows just how bad it is...i'm not sure if it hasn't sunk in??! But the 6 months written down there in front of him was such a nasty shock I think...and since then he has just been down. He's feeling very very tired anyway & just has no energy...it is SO hard to see...i hate seeing him like this but I know it's going to get worse :(
I feel petrified to be honest...the wedding is giving me something to focus on which is stopping me breaking down completely i think...but i just feel so so so scared. Cancer is taking my Dad and it feels so so unfair. We find out on Thursday what the deal is...I feel so anxious and scared...what if they say he can't have chemeo?! He will hit rock bottom. It doesn't look like he has got jaundice but he has been itching which I know is a sign of it...I also know that jaundice is a symptom that develops towards the end...what if cancer takes my wonderful Dad from us all really soon?!!
I know we have to be patient and wait until Thursday but it is so hard...I just feel permanantly sick with worry. I feel SO excited about marrying Marc...my mum said how he has been her rock too and he is being beyond amazing to my Dad and to me...he literally is the one person who is holding me up right now. My Dad said "You couldn't find anyone better than Marc...he has been amazing since day one"...he loves him so much. I feel so excited but so sad at the same time...everytime I feel happy about it I get a huge twinge of sadness and it physically hurts :(
I am telling my Dad every moment I can how much I love him. Yesterday he offered to give us a little money towards the wedding out of their savings (they don't have any money & they're saving for a rainy day, particularly for my mum)...I took that chance to say..."Dad...we would not take any money from you & Mum...you have brought me up to be the person I am today...without that I would not be marrying Marc...you have given me anything & everything my whole life". Dad welled up....I am so glad I am getting to say these things to him xxx
