I feel so up and down at the moment. I literally feel like my heart is physically breaking at times....I can burst into tears in the middle of a coffee shop (which i did the other day which caused a lot of stares!)...and I just feel so helpless. My dad is very very tired....he last had chemo 4 weeks ago & apparently it is due to the cumulative effects of the chemo. Some days I look at him and I think he has lost his "spark"...he seems down....he is exhausted & he's not his normal jokey self. Of course I KNOW he is bound to have days like this...and most of the time I go & see him the next day (I make sure I see him everyday) and he has that spark back again..
Last week me & my hubby were off work...we didn't plan on doing much apart from chilling out & seeing dad as much as we could without being too smothering as I knew he had to rest too. We took him down to the bank on Tuesday morning and then for a burger in this little cafe he loves...he raves about the burgers and I could see why! They were yummy!!! Dad has his plain with loads of onions...he does love his onions!!! Me & Marc had chips with ours & I wanted to make sure Dad had some so I said I was stuffed & just pushed my plate towards him...we just carried on chatting & he kept picking at the chips which made me happy as his appetite has not been great lately...he said he was stuffed but still managed to eat some...it's suprising how the little things can mean a lot. It was pouring with rain outside and me, dad & Marc just sat there for ages chatting. Times like this I absolutely love & treasure more than ever.
We've been doing lots of family stuff lately...my brother Mickey often cooks for us all & he did a bbq the other weekend. Seeing dad smile & laugh as me & my brothers take the mickey out of each other is just the best thing. It's moments like that, I think, that help him focus on something "happy" for once & just be "normal". We have a running joke in the family...a few months back dad tried what he thought was an olive....only to realise it was an olive pick (one of the plastic ones!)...he left toothmarks in it haha!! Dad's eyesight has never been the best bless him :)
We went to whitstable the other sunday...when the sun finally decided to make an appearence! Dad has wanted to go for ages...it was lovely but dad was sooo tired. It was so busy down there & we did do a lot of walking but it hit me then just how exhausted he is. We sat & had an ice cream after queing for ages....when we walked past the ice cream van after finishing ours there was a massive que still & dad joked that we should have saved some of our ice cream & gone to the back of the que & eat ours really slowly making everyone jealous haha...little things like that always make him...and me...giggle :) We walked past some proper posh people too who were complaining about pheasants...so me & dad had fun impersonating them too! Dad had a poor appetite that day & couldn't decide what he wanted to eat but we ended up going to a carvery and dad eat ok there...he does love a roast dinner & we always used to go to toby carvery when him & mum visited me at uni!
I went & sat on the sofa one day last week & was just chatting to dad about all our family holidays we had when i was younger...it was amazing to reminise and relive some of those times. I love times like this with my dad...just simply sitting there & chatting about anything & everything. We can chat for england on the phone too...sometimes i think he could stay on the phone forever...he loves chatting to me...i'm a proper daddy's girl :) Sometimes he sounds down and I try and cheer him up...it's so so hard as I'm not the strongest of people and 9/10 times I put the phone down then burst into tears. But in front of dad I try my best to be strong. He is ALWAYS more worried about me and the rest of the family. If he says he doesn't feel very well...like he has been very tired & achey & feeling a bit "icky" as he puts it...he'll say that then he'll say "It's ok though Sar...don't you worry about that...what it is is..." and he'll justify why he is feeling like that to make ME feel better & not worry. He's always trying to protect me.
I find this hard every single day....what is happening to my amazing dad is literally on my mind every second...I can be having a nice evening with my husband or with friends and then I'll stop & it will just hit me & I'll feel like it's impossible to have a good time & enjoy myself when we know what is happening to Dad. It realy is the hardest thing in the world.
I keep trying to do everything in my power to keep dad positive and upbeat. I passed my driving test on Thursday :) I text everyone apart from Dad to tell them....I got my driving instructor to drop me at my mum & dad's house and when dad answered the door I just smiled & held up my pass certificate. Dad's face was a picture...he went "YES!" and punched the air...he was so thrilled & so proud. That made everything worthwhile...he had told me to stick at it & I would get there in the end & he was right...as always :)
Saturday we had another family evening...I drank far too much wine as did my brother & by the end of the night, after dad had gone home, we were both in tears. He used the word "dying" and that word has played on my mind ever since. I KNOW that dad's cancer is terminal but that word just haunts me...& I feel sick to my stomach when I think of it :(
Me, my brother, husband & sis in law were chatting in the kitchen when dad was still there & I'm pretty sure he heard us talking which broke my heart...he went to go to the loo & that is right next to the kitchen. At that point we weren't crying or looking too far ahead but my brother was asking lots of questions & I do worry my dad heard...it's sooo hard sometimes. I just wish I knew what was running through his mind...I do try & ask but I know how much he wants to protect me so he won't ever say too much I know he won't.
Mum & dad are going away for the weekend this weekend...me & Marc are house/dog sitting. I won't see dad for 3 days but that feels too long...I think I will really struggle this weekend. But hopefully some time away will do him & mum some good. Dad gets his blood test results tonight & all being ok he can start Travecca (i think that's how you spell it!) tomorrow. I am just hoping & praying that these chemo tablets work for him. His next big appointment with the oncologist is August 1st so until then I plan on doing something nice & fun once a week if we can...a trip to the zoo is definitely in order!!
I am hoping me & Marc can sort a house out in the next few months too...we are going to get dad involved in that...he looks through pictures of houses with us on rightmove and always gives his opinion...I like him being involved in that & I think it keeps his mind busy & focussed on something else.
I tell Dad every day how much I love him & the other day I text him saying "I'm so proud of you...you do know that don't you"...he said "course i do" ....I just want to make sure I am doing anything & everything I can for him. I love him so much xxxx
