It was my Dad's Birthday yesterday - he was 66!! I found it a
weird day. I HUGELY regret not taking the time off work to spend the whole day
with him...I didn't purely because I know there will come a time where I will
need that time off from work. We went straight round there after work..poor
Marc...I bit his head off because he couldn't leave work early and I just
wanted to get to Dad ASAP...I just felt emotional and sad...it hit me that this
could be Dad's last birthday :( However...I really HAVE to get out of this mind frame and back to
the fact that Dad is here NOW...any one of us could go tomorrow just like that.
No one knows what is round the corner. I need to live for now & stop
panicking about what is going to happen. It makes me feel physically sick &
I find myself starting to grieve yet we still have Dad with us...THAT is what I
have to remember. I don't want to waste time being sad, feeling depressed,
feeling angry...I need to just create beautiful memories. So last night we went round to see Dad after work. My goddaughers
mum and dad (who are like an extra brother and sister to me!) came round and so
did my eldest brother. Marc and I had brought Dad a colin the caterpillar
birthday cake and mum & I sorted all the candles out in the kitchen then
suprised him with it! He looked so happy :) And he blew out all the candles in
one go...not bad considering!!! Then we all sat & had a piece of cake..Dad LOVED it!!!! I'll
be suprised if there's any left when we go in tonight as i think he'll polish
most of it off :) Everyone went home then and me & dad sat and put all our
Wedding songs in a good order. Seeing Dad get SO excited about the music makes
me feel so happy...he was buzzing!!! He had also heard Marc saying about how he
had had to hire cufflinks for £15 but not received them yet...Dad was doing
secret squirrels with me as he knew I had brought some engraved ones for Marc
so I ended up giving those to Marc last night in front of Mum & Dad :) Little things I love with my Dad...like last night I thought of a
song I'd like to add to our list - Martine McCutcheon 'Perfect Moment'..I knew
it was on a cd of mine upstair so went up to get it and Dad followed me up...I
thought he was going to do more secret squirrels but he just helped me find the
cd...even though his eye sight is super poor bless him and I found it in 2
seconds hehe! I said to him "what did you want to chat about
then"...and he said "Oh nothing..just wanted to help you find that
CD". It sounds like nothing...but to me...him coming upstairs when he is
sooo tired from chemo and just helping me with the music makes me so proud of
him...he was SO excited and was saying how he loved the words to certain
songs...songs that I will always remember :) and I will have them on cd's which
is perfect!!! I'm off to the shops tonight and Dad has asked me to get mum a
pandora charm from him for mothers day...he's so thoughtful & generous. I
love him so much and little things he does for my mum reminds me of how Marc
treats me...it just all feels so special. And I literally cannot wait for Dad
to walk me down that aisle in 5 days time!!! I am just so proud of him and love
him so much. Marc and I brought him a big chunky jumper for his birthday which
he loved!!! We've also got him a beautiful engraved collage photo frame which
hasnt arrived yet!!! I wanted to get him a 'Dad' word print...with all words
that I associate with him but they couldn't deliver in time!! So I'm going to
write them down here...so I always remember everything I feel about my Dad.
Some are silly (or won't make sense to anyone!) but I don't care :) Pops, Kind, Warm-hearted, Generous, Fearless, Brave, Amazing, One
in a Million, Strong, Understanding, Patient, Unassuming, Funny, Dry sense of
Humour, My Hero, Always catching Spiders for me, Wise, Amazing at Maths &
poems, Knowledgeable, Laidback, Burnt black bacon!, curry nights, Arsenal, His
boys (the dogs Ollie & Leo!), Steak, Green Man, Green Spice, My Best
Friend, Calming, Always go to for advice, fiercly protective.... I'm sure I will think of more but I can come back to them. I am
going to thank Dad at the Wedding...He is the one who told me when I had my
heart broken that someone better would come along "mark my words" he
said. And he loved Marc STRAIGHT away despite worrying that I would get my
heart broken again...he knew straight away that Marc would be the one to treat
me right. I also found this which rings so true.... "Dad…now that I'm older, I have a better idea of everything
you did for me when I was growing up. You worked so hard to make sure I was
happy and healthy and had everything I needed...I don't think I'll ever be able to thank you enough for all you've done for me, but, today and always, please know how truly grateful I am."
xxxx
p.s. Also yesterday I text my Dad and said “oh no I’ve spelt
Mackarel wrong in all the name cards for the Wedding…ooops” He text back saying
“Don’t worry love I’m sure no one will notice how you’ve spelt mackkkarelll! Hehehe!
He’s also promised to make me bacon on the morning of the wedding so crispy we’ll
be able to snap it in half…just the way we like it J xxx
