Bad bad night...

3 minute read time.

FormerMember

5 Feb 2013

Bad night last night. We went round to see Mum & Dad...Dad looks so ill.
I find it sooo hard...it feels like only yesterday he was his normal self, quite
a lot of energy, laughing & joking. Now he just seems so poorly...huddled up
on the sofa with a blanket...quiet...worried...scared. My poor Dad :( My heart
breaks everytime I look at him & I know it is going to get worse...

So last night we took round my Dad's fortisip drinks that I had picked up for
him. I was stood in the lounge and my Mum said that she had been to see her
friend whose husband has been fighting cancer for years. As bold as anything Mum
said "She said how amazing Macmillan were & that I wasn't to worry about
this place as Macmillan would find me a smaller house".. I was literally
gobsmacked. Right in front of my Dad. Dad just stared at the TV and didn't say
anything. I was speechless...and gave her the "look"...but she didn't get it.
Out in the kitchen I was in shock...my fiance calmed me down but he was shocked
too.

When Mum came out into the kitchen I said "Why on earth did you say that in
front of Dad"...she said "It's fine...we spoke about it earlier"...I just went
"MUM!!!!"...and she went "oh for god sake" and stormed off. I couldn't believe
that she was talking like he was gone already...what hope has he got if she is
talking like that?!

Fine they probably discussed it as my Dad's main worry is what will happen to
my mum but to keep on talking about it in front of him really isn't right is
it?!

On reflection I think Mum is struggling...when something bad happens she has
the ability to shut negative thoughts away and she gets into survival mode...but
I worry she is in denial too. She is obviously worried about the practical side
of things...where will she live? how will she cope? But I don't know if it has
hit her just how bad it is going to get in the end stages. She said to me the
other day that she is worried she won't be able to cope as she does not make a
very good nurse...I reassured her that me & Marc will be there every step of
the way.

I think I wasn't angry at my Mum as such...we are incredibly close & I
never want to fight with her...especially now. And I didn't say anything
afterwards...But I think it actually hit me that we ARE going to lose Dad to
this. I don't think I helped myself yesterday by reading up about the end stages
and what happens...I scared myself beyond belief. So last night I was panicking
about being the one (with Marc) to watch Dad fade away...what if Mum can't
cope?! I have other brothers and a sister but we are the ones who live the
closest and are there all the time.

My poor Dad...I would give anything to take his pain away and have my old Dad
back :( I know he is still my Dad...of course he is...but I miss the old
times...I miss having my carefree, laidback, happy Dad :( The thought that
nothing will ever be the same again is such a hard thing to deal with. Every
single day is such a struggle xxx

FormerMember over 11 years ago

Hello

My dad died from Mesothemlioma an aggressive and terminal lung cancer 7 months ago. Go back 8 months prior and I was in your situation. I was totally stunned that my normal life was going to change and our family was not going to be the same ever again.I am a proactive person so not being able to make it better was so hard to deal with.

My dad talked about dying in a jokey way. It use to sound like he was going on holiday. I am sure your mums comments never meant to sound so blunt. I am sure the full reality hasn't hit her yet. As the months went on dads jokes stopped and he admitted he was scared.

In a previous post you talk about your wedding plans. This is good as this will focus your mind on something else, hard I know. It will also give your dad a goal to aim for. My dad wanted to make his 64th birthday, which he achieved.

Some days you will feel like a fighter. Other days you will feel as if you are crawling in the gutter. I know I did. This is ok. Being strong all the time is hard work, sometimes it has to give.

Support your mum and dad, but look after yourself also. Keep making the memories. My thoughts are with you. Selina xx
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FormerMember over 11 years ago

Hi Selina,

Thank you for your message. I am so sorry to hear about your Dad...you sound
like an incredibly brave person to come on here still and chat to others who are
suffering too.

I have spoken to my Mum & turns out she was saying that Macmillan may be
able to sort out somewhere for BOTH her and Dad...she wasn't talking about her
on her own at all...I completely got the wrong end of the stick :( I think I am
feeling very vulnerable and sensitive at the moment...the smallest thing sets me
off.

I am poorly today...bad throat & cold & really achey everywhere so I
can't go and see Dad for the first time since NYE....it really is eating me up
but I know I can't risk giving him this cold.

Thank you again for your message...I will definitely take your advice on
board..thank you xxx
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FormerMember over 11 years ago

Sarahmay,

I too am in your shoes, dad found out 2 weeks before xmas he has a brain tumour which is inoperable.It is very aggresive, i don't know how i will cope without him.He has deteriorated so much in such a short time and this emotional rollercoaster is horrible. Sending much love to you and your family and the strengh to get through.xxx
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FormerMember over 11 years ago

Big hugs again, I so know what you're going through. My mum was very similar to yours, she really took a step back as she couldn't handle it and i was annoyed with her at times, particularly when he was on the cancer ward, I was there 12 hours a day most days, others not far off but mum would be saying about getting the bus as she wouldn't drive there and having to leave before it went dark (it was December!) and I could see Dad wanted her there more. But honestly I thought mum was strong and practical etc. as you say your mum is but her heart not only broke when dad died, it was absolutely shattered and she's worried me a few times with her behaviour to the point where I thought I'd have to get her sectioned. You just never really know how people feel, even your parents. Just take deep breaths and take a step back. God knows what is going through your dad's mind but he sounds very much like mine so he may have encouraged that conversation with your mum, he'll be doing things now to make sure you'll be ok when he's gone.

Don't be too worried about the end of the life, when I read it i was scared but it is accurate and you don't need to worry, with the right care your dad won't suffer and he will be comfortable and it really is a truly precious experience to share, although right now I'm sure you're worried about what, how and when just like I was, but you have control over those things if you stay close and keep reassuring him.

Thinking of you xxx
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FormerMember over 11 years ago

Hi Molly,

Thank you for the hugs...very much needed & appreciated :)

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through...sending you a big hug as sounds like you need it!!!

It all does feel very surreal at the moment. I have our wedding to focus on which is helping a bit as it is something good for everyone to look forward to & I know my Dad will be so proud & happy.

I hope you are holding up ok...I cannot imagine how you are feeling and it scares me to know how things will get but I am just trying to focus on right now & making sure I stay strong & do as much as I possibly can with my Dad. Lots of love to you hun xxx
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