This may seem a bit of a muddle to you all, but its only going to come out the same way that it is muddled up in my head....
Basically ive finished treatment now, so chemotherapy has finished, but ive got to wait til the beginning of june for a scan, so what im struggling to work out, is am i in remission now? Or is at after the scan when i get told im ok, things are good....
june seems along way to go just to be told that.. so im getting myself worked up . all my friends and family keep saying so are you ok, are u cancer free, well my guesses are yes from the fact i had a clear pet scan in December.. but it just bugs ya because you cant give them a definite answer.. so when they keep going on at ya it gets annoying....
thats if they ever do bother to ring or text me, or if i have to spend all the time chasing them, one thing i have realised in this horrid journey is that u loose an awful lot of friends, and then the fake ones come out and say ohh soo sorry when you actually know they really don’t mean it.. they couldn’t care about me before, so why they care about me now... guilt?? I dunno maybe its just my way of thinking... but i know for sure im sick of feeling like im on my own...
even worse when ur having arguements with ur family, and that you feel like everything you do is never right.. and worser when you feel like ur relationship is falling to pieces when we were perfectly fine before i got this stupid cancer!!!!!...
im tryin to be strong for everyone else when actually i cant even be strong for myself.....
i feel like some angry little tornado thats going to rip through anyone and anything that upsets me, and its not like me at all... im normally here for u all, able to advise you and comfort you when you need someone for a shoulder to cry on....but instead im snapping at some off you that i consider to be my closest friends... and i am sorry really i am...
all through this journey ive done my best to hold my head up high and keep myself together, but now i just feel like im falling apart... i feel lost, like im not here or there, not in treatment but not yet knowing wether im free... arghhh what do i think!!!!!! My minds just a big muddle of emotions and feelings!!!
Just wish there was some easy way of releasing my emotions and getting the “old” me back... the old emma, the happy one, the care free one, the young me, the energetic me....
I want my life back!!!! I feel like its been snatched from me!! Nothing is right anymore =( i could keep writing but im almost in tears and thats not being strong is it... so i will stop and try and get myself together again
