its to much!! =(

Emzie, if you feel well - well thats a start eh!  

I guess the scan will tell you for certain if its all gone and you get the all clear from the powers that are in control of us once we start this horrid journey.

I don't know anything about remission, brain tumour patients never get to hear that word, just that we had a clear scan each time (hopefully) for as long as that may be.  Its a real downer to know that you are always classed as a BT patient :(

The friend thing - check

The guilt thing - check

The anger - check (I am more of an angry little elf than a tornado) and the anger sometimes doesn't seem to be related to anything in particular.  Mine just manifests itself as a BAD mood lol

Chasing hospitals - check!

So many of us can indentify with parts of your post.  I want my life back, the registrar told me in February to just go and live my life....pretty hard with a prognosis clock ticking loudly in my mind.  

Mind you I feel pretty good (apart from the diet I am on to lose weight waaaaaaaaah) and for the most part, I enjoy my life now.  I don't sweat the small stuff, even bills lol and I do stop to smell the roses and enjoy the little things.

You will get there, finishing treatment is a big emotional time in itself - yaaaaaaaaaay for finishing, doubts you got enough and fear of moving forward without it!  I liken it to being on a trapeze wire without a safey harness!

Love & Strength

Debs xx

Hi Emz

It all makes perfect sense to me.

I dont have the answers, but what you are feeling is normal.

I mentioned to you on chat, when you were celebrating your last chemo, that it is a weird place to be once treatment has ended.  You start to find blood tests comforting because at least the are doing something.  June isn't that long really and dont forget, if you feel poorly or you are worried about anything  - you go in. June is only 20 days away, that's just over two weeks - see no time at all!

Remission, is what we hope for, they wont tell me I'm in remission even now after a year post treatment as I still have a mass in my abdomen, they think it's scar tissue but because it exists they say that i'm Unconfirmed remission.  I have got used to that and when people ask me whether it's gone or whether I'm cured I just tell them we dont know and ususlly shuts them up - they don't want to discuss it further!  When people ask how I am, I tell them "I've been worse", that confuses them.

Friends - mmm, where have they all gone, some have stayed, but a lot have disappeared into thin air.  Oh and people who left my life years ago trying to creep back in to get a front row seat at my funeral (well that's how it feels)  you can see it in their eyes wonderering whether they cound get away with the little black number they own, or should they buy something new, after all they have an image to keep.

I'm not saying you're NOT gonna get through this, as you are but these are some muddle thoughts I've had.

For the record, I've said I'm going to have bouncers on the door at my funeral, if this does get me - if their name is on the list they are not coming in!  Thought I may be able to recruit Kezzerbird for this!

I have been fortunate not to have arguments with my family but I do have a very small family and we don't do arguments anyway!

Cancer puts a huge strain on personal relationships, Both halfs may have to give more to the relationship than they are comfortable with.  I wont go into my personal details here, but as long as you are totally honest with one another, it will sort itself out and get back to the way it was and should be.

Stop being strong for everyone else - you have to be strong to get through treatment - now is the time to relax and get your head round what has happened.

We have to be realistic, life will never be the same as it was, it cant be, that's what life is like, whether you have been poorly or not you would be different this year than you were last year - it's progress.  I have learned to stop looking at what might have been and to move on to enjoy what life has become.  Cancer is a life changing experience.

It is hard Emz and as I said at the start, I dont have the answers - but I have read a book called the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho which I found quite inspirational.  I dont know if your'e much a a reader but give it a go.

I spend more time on my own now, than I did before I was ill and I am begining to find peace with myself.

Emz you will get there, now you've finshed treatment this is where the real recovery begins.

Well these are my ramblings over.

Dont be so hard on yourself.

Much love and I will be thinking especially of you tomorrow.

Jo x

Hi ya Emz,

You have a lot more strength and caring than you think. We all have our good and bad days and when we do we come on to the site and moan and complain. We wouldnt be natural if we didnt, Patience is a virtue which I admit I myself is not blessed with. but it is something you have to pull out of the hat,if you are to get from day to day

So Look after yourself. June will be here sooner than you think.

Take care and be safe Big HUGs. Love Sarsfield.XX.

Hi Emz

I haven't known you long but as I've told you before you've brightened many a day for me, days when  I was gonna crawl back into bed but came on here instead.

I've seen you have many kind and helpful words for other people, you've made people laugh when perhaps they felt like crying.

So though it seems rough at the moment I know it will get better and Mad Emz will return!

Big Hug

Maxine

awww emma. i spet 9 years being told "see you next time", not a word about remission, etc.... apparently its not used with breast cancer, one thing my doc told me right from the start is that most cancers are unpredictable, and "if we knew all there is to know about cancer, we would prevent it rather than trying to cure it".... luckily i spent 9 lovely years with cancer way way at the back of my mind, i was determined to just get on with my life and if re-occurance happens then i will deal with it when it happens...(as you know it has), possibly i am lucky and am a natural optimist, but for me it is a case of ...why waste all that time worrying about some thing that may never happen? isnt there enough time to worry if it does, emma.... dont waste your time on thinking about it... in reality, the docs never know for sure, they cant make you promises, but you can promise yourself to live your life to the full, and put cancer in a locked dark box where it will be hopefull burried so deep it never returns, and get on with your life, enjoy every moment

((((((((((((((hugs )))))))))))))) and good luck emma

liz xxxxxx