todays update..
well today ive been for my check up, he can still feel my lumps, he knows i can still feel these lumps, he asked if id had any more symptoms, or anything like that. i said no, not really. so he said im not worrying again at the minute, he said, are you working yet, i explained no, and why.
i said ive not been sleeping well either these last two weeks, and he said, oh thats your age. and then said, i dont think you should have sleeping tabs. ok fair one. but my age??? not all 20 year olds stay up half the night, me personally, i used to be like a bear, and sleep at least 9 hours.. or more.. but only getting bout 5 now!! he asked if i sleep in the day... no not really. i said im still feeling low, but he ignored that comment.
he asked me to rate how im doing after chemo from a chart, with things like, getting back to work etc.... and he rated me the best one you could get... even though i feel low? and not back at work... oh i dunno... just cant seem to get through to him. ohh and to go back in two months, but keep look out for any more symptoms, or if lumps get bigger.
soooo.... the minute i left the hospital, was straight on phone to make appointment with gp. because im fed up of feeling so stressed, and worried, and fed up of not sleeping properly. i wont give up. even if this is stressing me out even more.
====================================
this was yesterdays blog...
its been like 4 weeks since my last check up. tomorrow i have another check up.
feeling quite nervous about it, because i still have my lumps. now i know its only going to go one of either two ways. they might say, see you in so many weeks, or even three months, and then see what happens with my lumps, theyr either gunna get worse, or theyl go.. hopefully theyl go. suppose ive just gotta see what happens. appointment is at 9... now im sure when i booked it, 4 weeks ago, they said 11, but its been changed to 9. cuz they wrote 11 on the appointment card.. never mind, just means i gotta be up early..
ive not been sleeping very well this last couple of weeks, not sure what it is. but i dont like being in the dark now, i know things have changed at home, cuz im living back at mums, but ive been here a month now, and its only the last two weeks ive been panicky and its not like me, i can normally sleep whatever, whether its dark, or light, noisy or not. well, i made john keep the tv on when i slept at his the other night, just didnt want to be lying there awake in the dark, but i didnt want to fall asleep in the dark either. and the other night i left my phone light on all night, and i woke in the early hours and turned it off. then 2 nights ago i slept with landing light on, and left bedroom door open, and my brother closed it when he went to bed. just dont know why im being this way.
maybe it is the stress, and anxiety that a few of you have said, becuase of everything ive got going on. but how do i relax, ive tried everything, i end up on my laptop til like 2am most the time. and then i feel tired and grumpy in the day. i read a book, or a magazine, i listen to music, i have a bath at night, just dunno wot it is. maybe il speak to them at hospital about it tomorrow. its just not nice lying in the dark when i cant sleep, because thats when my mind starts wondering.
im ok otherwise, except the pains in neck, and lumps in neck, and not being able to sleep, and errm think thats bout it. need to find me something to do in the day.... oooo poop that reminds me, i should fill in my esa form again, they want it back before the 23rd november.. and then i guess theyl say i shud be working now....
ok rant over.
