Today was my daughter's birthday it should have been a happy time with joy and celebrations, and although we did are best to enjoy the day, there was always that big elephant in the room that massive brick pushing down on my chest so hard I feel like I can't breath. Cancer! not just any cancer inoperable cancer the no hope at all cancer just accepted it and have no control at all cancer. My beautiful strong brave mother was diagnosed 7 weeks ago with kidney and pancreatic cancer I had no idea at the time how aggressive pancreatic cancer was, yes I new about cancer I lost my dad to cancer and I knew that all cancer was just awful, but I didn't know just how quickly you can go down hill with pancreatic cancer it shows zero symptoms untill it's to late and by this point you have lost so much weight your to weak to fight it so you don't stand a chance. It was a huge shock and it took. Good 4 weeks to process with lots of tears and I will admit lots of wine. We are now on week 7 since being diagnosed and my mother is handling it amazingly she is so brave and so strong honestly she puts me to shame while I fall apart by the minute she some how holds it all together. Today was just one of those days where I didn't want to wake up I didn't want to face the world I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep and cry. I didn't do that some how I don't even know how but I managed to drag my self up and go about my day, everyday since the diagnosis has been a hard day and it feels like forever since I can say I had a nice day or it's a good morning now I tend to just say morning because there is nothing good about it, even though I thought I couldn't get through this day and I didn't want to get through it some how I did I stayed strong I got up I ate I had Bath I had a little cry but I done it. I have heard a awful lot in the last few weeks of people saying one day at a time and at first I didn't understand it but as the times gone on I really do get it one day at a time one step at a time because things can change one day to the next some times even one hour to the next, and the hardest of days I thought I would never make it I did i made it through. I gave my mother some advice a few weeks back. I said to her I know you have cancer and I know there is nothing we can do but what we can do is for one hour or even one minute not talk about cancer and laugh or smile or watch TV anything that resembles normal for five minutes out of 24 hours because cancer doesn't define you. I only wish some times I could take my own advice. So this is it this is me putting my deepest thoughts and feelings out there if this even helps one person feel less alone then I'm glad I have done it. I hope to write in often through out my journey the good and bad. Thanks for reading.
