Exactly 365 (or 366) days ago I was at the chemo ward ready to get that first dose of doxorubicin, cyclophosphamide and the other bits. It was my girlfriend birthday and that's how we spent her special day.
So, it's now been a little over 9 months since I finished treatment. Things have been good, but learning how to live with this constant worry of 'it might come back' is proving to be difficult. Very difficult at times. When I finished treatment I started listening to the 'You, me, the big C' podcast. One of the things they constantly said was something like 'we are just as good as our last scan'. Correct me if the quote is wrong... We Hodgkin patients do follow ups with blood tests and just pay attention to any potential swollen nodes, fatigue,etc. So the statement for me would be that I am as good as my last blood test.
You do the bloods, following week you visit the consultant, you repeat this every 3 months for the first year. Then for the second year the frequency might change to 4 months, or 6, not sure. So I am all calm and good the 2-3 weeks following the appointment. After that I just look at the calendar and start counting the days for the next one. Before this stupid cancer, a little pain here and there was of no concern. Now the brain starts linking hypothesis and worries and any pain or symptom becomes a concern. I exercise for 3 days in a row and I am tired on the 4th? Maybe it is fatigue due to lymphoma being back! I sit at my 'ergonomic' chair 8 hours a day and my left leg hurts a bit? Surely it is the lymphoma that is going into my bone marrow again! I have phlegms for a few months that don't go away? Surely a sign that my immune system is deteriorating and something is back! My groin hurts after kicking the football around? That must be a swollen node hitting a nerve!
So now I am waiting until end of April when I will have my next appointment. And the anxiety sort of cripples up a little bit. I even had a couple of nightmares this past month where I dream that I feel swollen lymph nodes in my groin again! And I start wondering what should I do if the lymphoma was to come back again. How much time would I have to act? Would it go out of control in just the 3 months between treatments? This is not something that is actively on my mind but I can't control my subconscious (obvs), that works just too much.
F... it is difficult to deal with this at times. But I have to fight this on my own. One would think that the 'theoretical' solution would be to do a test every 2 weeks to keep calm. But it wouldn't. You'd just worry even more 
One day I am super positive and have a 'whatever' approach, live my life and deal with what comes when it does. Let's try for a kid (I am waiting for the results of my fertility test at the moment, as the treatment had high chances of making me infertile... let's see how I deal with that if it the result is not good!). Let's look at changing jobs, look at moving to another (rental) flat/house, let's look to buy our own place... Then another day I am like hmmm should I wait until the 2 year mark post-treatment to start all these plans? Do I want to change jobs and losing out on private health insurance for some months (not that I've used it anyway)? What if I get sick and I get my girlfriend into this mess? Most of my thoughts are positive but there is an inner voice that tells me to be cautious... I am sure most of us are on a similar situation!
