Haven't been around here much this last few weeks. Busy with 2 different international work trips in the last 3 weeks. One of them involved meeting a lot of work colleagues who in some cases had not seen F2F since the start of treatment. Some of them knew the reasons I was in and out of work last year, some of them didn't...And I think dealing with the later group is kind of complicated.
While I have learnt to adapt to this, it is still tricky to read people's reaction when they see me. I had quite a bit of hair, looked younger and was ~82kg 18 months ago. I have changed quite a lot since then. My hair is growing back but nowhere near how it was before. When people asked how am I doing, I am not even sure whether they mean 'in general' or 'in general considering what you've had'. Living in this sort of limbo where you are not sure whether you should share or not is difficult.
I was also asked to record some sort of interview for my company so they can have some testimonials and footage of people explaining what their job is about and how it is working for this company, so they can put it on Linkedin and Youtube. At first I really didn't want to do it, I ignored the email request for over a week. I told my girlfriend I didn't want to do it cause people who knew me would see that I look different and that made me feel awkward. I also find it difficult to look at pictures of myself now and not having a strange feeling. I am still not happy with it, although I have made a lot of progress. Soooo, I said to myself come on man just get on with this and do it... and I went for the interview and recorded some 10 minutes of me responding to different questions. It might not even make it to a real video, but I was happy I did it in the end.
Then this past weekend I stayed in Germany after the work thing and visited a friend I went to uni with. We didn't talk much about my treatment but I made a few comments here and there. We walked and cycled a lot around and it felt great, but somehow he couldn't understand why I was tired after walking 25k steps in 5 hours. We are both sporty people and I had gone running, cycling or simply walking with him in the past, so he just was not able to comprehend how I could get tired. I sort of finally had to say 'oh well bro, it's kind of related to the recovery from treatment, can you not understand?!?'. It's all good, but some people need to think a bit about what they say.
So. After this hectic 3 weeks, I found myself thinking I should check the forum and write a few things and try respond to whatever questions people might have... but wow I find it difficult at times. I might spend 5 days replying to different bits and getting involved in posts and threads, and then I have to zoom out and get away for a couple of days. I like posting and I like discussing with people, but I realize it is taxing and that it makes me go back through a lot of memories and experiences which were intense at the time. So I am understanding that I do need to manage this differently and maybe get around here every 3-4 days rather than trying to visit every day. But some people are just looking for an answer on a Friday eve and it is so reassuring for them to hear something from someone the next day or so. Not waiting until Monday or Tuesday. Idk, it is sometimes difficult to help / try to help others. You also have to take care of yourself.
Just my quick thoughts after midnight. I have so much respect and admiration for the active members of this community. You guys are amazing, so selfless and helpful, all the time.
