I've met a few people with cancer over the years. One thing I have sort of realised over the years is how many of these people appreciate the small moments of life and value the day-to-day in a different way compared to the rest of the mortals. I always thought that once you see death as something that might occur sooner than you would expect, you start to see things differently.
I have always been a bit dull and perhaps too apathetic at times. I had a nice upbringing, small but very united / close family, made a bunch of very good friends in different regions and countries over the years, haven't faced many challenges or setbacks and haven't had any real traumatic events in life. A couple of years ago, as we gathered in Christmas and looked around the table, I started to think "wow, like we haven't even had major illnesses in my family, how weird, how lucky". Three of my grandparents are still alive and the youngest is 89 years old, no dementia, no dependencies... healthy and lovely as ever.
So when I got diagnosed I think wasn't overly angry about it and I was not blaming the world for my bad luck or anything. I just thought, oh well, this is statistics, it just happened to me and it is what it is. I was quite sad that it happened so early (31) and I was horrified by the thoughts of my family having to live without me if I couldn't get 'cured'. I thought a lot about their future and not so much about mine. But then I was like, hmmmm, so if I survive this, I might become a person who celebrates the routine, who starts showing happiness, who enjoys life way more... And that somehow made me feel in a particular way. I thought that maybe I could take this as a wake up call for not taking things for granted.
I do remember my auntie though. She died almost 20 years ago after dealing with stomach, ovarian and breast cancer. It was a long battle with loads of ups and downs. When I was a little kid I remember her being very miserable, always complaining, always saying how unlucky she was (she lost her husband when my cousin was only 13 or so, and a few years later she was diagnosed with her primary cancer), I just didn't like her. Then during her last 2-3 years she transformed, she was always a source of joy, she would dance in family gatherings, she would always be planning a little family meal, trying to be active, trying to visit different places around (didn't have much money so it was mainly local trips, not like she travelled the world). She became someone different and we all loved that, we loved her energy. Often I hear my grandma and my dad say 'I wish she was like that for a little longer'.
So anyway, I somehow thought that maybe I would also transform a bit. It hasn't even been 10 months since treatment so I am not there yet. It will take some time. But truth is there are some things now that I appreciate so much more... Getting together with my family back home, calling my grandma, being out in the sun, going to the cinema, going for drinks with my girlfriend and some friends, touch the trees and the grass in the park... I don't know, just simple irrelevant things. Or at least these were irrelevant before. And I also try to not waste my time with other things that are now irrelevant but were so important before: watching too many football games, watching crappy netflix series, spending time with people that don't add value to me anymore, wonder around shops and supermarkets for hours when I can be outside instead, going to central London instead of a big park...
How did I come to write this? I went to the swimming pool yesterday. It was going to be two years since the last time and I just thought about how it was last time - I was still living on my own, I had a different job, I obviously didn't have cancer (or didn't know about it), I was just planning all my holidays months in advance, I was thinking about my career in 10-15 years from now, thinking about how much of my bonus I should put into the pension... How things change. So I cried, not much, but a little bit, when I got into the car. I just felt the two years that had passed since the last time and realised how much everything has changed. Philosophically it is a big deep thing that I haven't really come to terms yet.
So, I did 40 lenghts of the pool, and I was so f**** happy about it.
