This is what I told my girlfriend last week while I was scrolling through some of the pictures we took. We went on holidays to the Canary Islands, so obvs loads of sun, warm days and nice scenery. I rarely upload pictures of myself on social media but maybe twice a year I do. I don't mind people knowing about the lymphoma and all that, but I am a bit reluctant of posting pictures where it is still obvious that I went through treatment. I don't like sending these to my grandparents and them just keep wondering why I look so different (they don't know).
While in many aspects of life I feel almost back to normal, I still find hard to accept the changes in my body. Not just the hair, I think I can live with that, I was destined for baldness anyway, so this has just accelerated the process (my hair is back but short and not as 'dense'). But I don't think I was ready to put on weight - steroids and lack of exercise primarily - and lose so much muscle during this year: I am 12kg heavier than a year ago and I have lost muscle 'definition'... and maybe this is the biggest thing for me now? Seeing my legs being fluffy and not defined? I played football since I was 5 until I went to uni and then I switched to running and cycling, keeping the football as a once a week thing. I have always looked relatively fit, not showing abs or anything, but fit.
So I was trying to pick a picture, looking for the ones with a hat or hoodie and those where the belly didn't show as much, I cried a little bit and told my GF... ''Brrrr, I am so sad I still don't look the same''. She is very comforting and I know she is not bothered, she has always been very supportive with everything and even more with the physical thing. But I have probably lost a bit of confidence with this. Sometimes I think the physical attraction between us has dropped a little bit, and I think that'd be normal, I have gone through so many changes in 12 months, times where I wouldn't even recognize myself in the mirror and where I had just a swollen face all over. I can't imagine how that has been for her.
So this was my short post today. I know I will get back closer to normal (whatever that is) but there is this fear of not looking the same or having 'aged' five years in the space of one. There are more important things in life than the looks, but psychologically this has taken a bigger toll than I thought. And I can now look at other people who might be struggling to put or lose weight, who are unhappy with how they look, who struggle to accept their bodies, and empathize. I don't think I could before. Another positive take away from cancer - more empathy towards others who experience any sort of health or mental condition.
Not sure what the point of writing this was, just to vent a little and to share it with a lot of other people who have or will experience the same thoughts.
