I haven't written anything this month. I have started to feel much better and I think mentally I have made a lot of progress since my last appointment. I haven't felt discomfort in my leg and I haven't had many intrusive thoughts since. I feel like getting back in shape and especially going back to playing football is helping a lot... If I can play football, that means I am healthy innit?
I went back home for a few days this last weekend and it was a great experience too. We had my grandparents (90, 92 and 90 years old...), uncles/aunties etc for a family BBQ at my parents house. It was the first time in two years when I felt normal around my family and I didn't have to get a bunch of 'but are you okay, how are the doctor appointments' questions. My grandparents don't know I had cancer, which is great because otherwise they'd be worried for the remainder of their lives. There is a part of me that wished they knew though, the part of me that empathizes with people who are sick / tired / physically limited... I think it would have been a good conversation to talk to them about how I could understand how tired they feel, the different pains, the lack of energy, the breathlessness at times, the boredom of life... I feel I was a very old grandparent during treatment.
There's also this feeling I get sometimes when I look at them and think - damm, if I was born when they were born, I'd be dead now. No treatment, no diagnosis, just a young guy dyeing from something no-one knew about. That messes up in my head at times. Same as if I was born in another country with no welfare state or no access to decent treatment. Damm.
Short one today.
I am doing a Swimming challenge for MacMillan, I am aiming for >20 miles in 2 months. Swimming is making me feel so good. I couldn't walk more than 10 minutes a year ago, and now being able to swim 2k in 50 mins is just so f***** great.
