After feeling so positive when I started chemotherapy, I was determined to keep this up. During the Taxol treatment I managed to stay reasonably upbeat apart from when I had a two week break because my bloods were wrong. I admit the side effects weren't pleasant but once I'd got used to feeling permanently tired and nauseous at times I think that I was very lucky when I hear of other people's experiences. I did have lots of tummy problems but usually medication solved my problems. I've also had various rashes and dry skin which again can be treated. I'm.not pretending it was all plain sailing and yes I did have plenty of fears but usually I managed to brush them out of my mind.
I had thought that I would go straight onto 3 treatments of Epirubicin every 3 weeks. I had a scan which showed some shrinkage of the tumour but not as much as was hoped. I also had an enlarged lymph gland on my right side. This meant another biopsy to check the cancer hadn't spread. I also had to have another scan of the rest of my body. Although the nurses and consultant were reassuring I felt absolutely dreadful and became more and more worried. Waiting for results didn't help either. I made the mistake of googling triple negative which I had promised my family I wouldn't do. I became convinced that I wouldn't get through this despite encouragement from my family and friends. To add to this I fell in the shower and this shook my confidence even more. I felt so miserable and my husband really is a saint, he constantly reassures me. I kept thinking that the delay might be detrimental.
Eventually after nearly 3 weeks of anxiety I felt a glimmer of hope again, the biopsy indicated that the swollen lymph gland was caused by the chronic low grade leukaemia which I have. I saw my oncologist, and after consultation with the haematologist consultant, he said that I would start the chemo again the following week. The treatment might also help the CLL. All this was good but I was still worried about my scan.
The scan was clear thank goodness and my treatment started last week. For the first week I also had immunity boosting injections and two days of steroids and strong anti- sickness tablets. I was very tired all the time, had no energy, nauseous and even started to sit down to wash as I couldn't manage to stand in the shower. Also I had various tummy problems. The rest of this week I've felt fine and we've been out several times. I've enjoyed my food again and have next week to enjoy before my next treatment. I am determined that I am going to be alright eventually but I mustn't have too many expectations as to time scale. We must all take one little step at a time.
I've written all this because I'm sure everyone must have lots of doubts and trepidation. It is, I'm sure a very natural reaction during a very traumatic time but I hope that we can all try to stay positive and avoid dark thoughts. It has certainly helped me to write it down and to talk, next time I feel low, and I'm sure I will, I'll read this and hopefully it will make me see that there will be a good future eventually.
