Well after all my whinging someone has just managed to make me feel really guilty. Someone reading my blog on a cancer support site thought initially that I was the one suffering with cancer.
It upset me a bit, but the more I think about it, yes I know the blog is sometimes self indulgant and may look like wallowing in self pity, but I honestly believe that the blog is meant to be used as a tool for emotional release.
It is meant to be a journey of how I am dealing with this, emotionally. How mum is coping physically, and other significant events along the way.
Cancer doesn't just effect the person, but the families too and I wanted a brutally honest account of all the emotions that are involved, even the selfish ones.
Today made me realise just HOW personal the blog is to me, and how deep it does probe my emotions.
I can't feel any shame for wanting to share my felings with you all. Anyone that knows me personally will know that I communicate my feelings, thoughts and emotions a lot better by written word, rather than spoken.
we had a row today. we never row. he wanted to go to the club during the day to wallow in blackpools victory. I said it was fine, but it was a nice day and i didn't want to go. He would be with his footy mates and it was a man thing. i was fine about it. he misunderstood and thought i was being sacastic. All i want is for mark to do what he wants with the rest of his life and enjoy any experience he can. i don't want to get in his way of any kind of fun. I'm an outdoor person. if its sunny, i'm outside. when he was well he was with me and i still go to the club with him. The clubs not my thing. BUT i go to be with him, to share his time. I couldn't convey to him, to make him understand i'm happy for him to live his life the way he wants to. He can't go for long walks anymore but i'm sadder than sad for the life we have lost together and wish for him and for me that we could still do it. i don't ever want to row with him or make him sad. i want the rest of his life to be the best it can be and if that means talking football in the club without me. i'm happy with that. i really am but he thought i was putting him on a guilt trip. I wasn't. i'm sad. i don't let him see me cry. i don't want him to be sad. misunderstandings happen when emotions fly.
Please don't feel guilty. As a wife of someone with cancer I know I am affected just as much as he is. I have feelings of guilt when I wish I was being stronger for him but it's ok to acknowledge how you feel and how horrible and hard it is when someone you love is going through something like this.
Hi Pennines - Please don't feel too sad about your row - these things happen to us all - after all no matter how positive we say we are there is still that cloud lurking in the background - and it does make us edgy and over react - sometimes to the smallest thing that may just be misunderstood comment as in you case.
Having said that there is nothing wrong with the odd row - makes us feel we are getting back to being treated as 'Normal' - just don't let them get too heated - the making up after can be worth it mate !!
So forget your tears, go for a long calming walk while you plan your next day out together - when you can share some happy moments and build more of those fantastic memories
Thanks for all your lovey comments, after reading it all again, I think because I was so depressed I was a bit over sensitive. But Im back from holiday and refreshed and ready to post a happier blog!
