I havn't blogged for a few days for the simple reason, I havn't seen mum that much really.
This demon that is my depression seems to have taken hold for the past week, so up and down.
Yes, a lot of it is to do with mum, but what can I do? I suppose ultimately the feeling of being uselessness leads to feeling like this.
Mum has been too tired to come over to my house and when she has been well enough she seems to have other things planned.
Sunday when I wanted to take her to the park, and I had chosen a park that we could quite easily push her about, she had said she was too tired. Monday - she went to the park - without me.
I invited her for tea last night but she said no.
Regular readers of the blog will know that Saturday mornings normally sees us all going for breakfast, but I dont want to go today.
Im going on holiday tomorrow so I need to do other things, plus I think that she knows im upset so if we did something today it would feel forced - like she was just there going through the motions.
However if I don't see her at some point today then its going to be at least a week before I get to see her again, and how does that make me feel? Like I've wasted time.
There will never be another day like today, there will never be a Saturday 14th August 2010 - EVER.
So last night I spent hours crying, out of frustration, anger, it was every emotion that you could imagine - trying to sort through these things in my head.
Then this leads to guilt. Guilt that my boyfriend and son have to see me like that. My poor boyfriend. Ever so supportive, but a realitively new relationship should still be romance and smelling good for one another shouldn't it? Not walking in on a Friday night to a crying hysterical girlfriend who doesnt want to be cuddled, or talk about whats going on in my head.
I suppose I also felt a tiny bit of resentment towards my son too last night, the fact that I can't just jump in the car and go and see mum, because its not just me that needs to get ready, need to get him, and stuff for him to play with, tea time, etc etc. Just too much of a chore. Now that does sound awful!!!!
Sometimes I also think, 'sod it, I got to get used to her not being here anyway, so what does it matter if I don't see her.'
So then thinking about this one - Maybe I want people when I want them? Is that a bad thing? Is everyone else the same? Is that selfish or self preservation?
Last night when we went to bed, I was thinking it's so selfish all the feelings and thoughts that I have had, come on, see things from mums point of view, maybe she wants people when she wants them too............ maybe she feels like shes wasting time coming over to my house..............she will love me whether I see her or not...........maybe we are too much alike.
When reading this I thought you had the Cancer and was surprised that it is your Mum.
Please can I say you are wasting precious times together.
What you must be putting your son and boyfriend through as well.
Your son must want to see his grandmother.
I have Mesothelioma and i was given 3 months and here I am at 1.5 years so you never know and I spend everyday living life to the full--tired but happy.
I have a great son and a great husband and I would hate to see tears around me.
So please put on a smile and spend those precious times with you Mum.
Hydeangel, I don't think you are being selfish at all. Cancer affects the patient and everyone around them, so don't be too hard on yourself. The stress is bound to take it's toll.
I lost my dad 4 months ago and I feel emotionally drained and really depressed right now. I feel everybody is relying on me to do things for them, not least mum, but I have come to the realisation that I need some time for me too.
It sounds like this could be how you are feeling too. We all have to be a bit selfish sometimes I think.
I hope you are feeling a bit better as the day goes on. Keep offering to take your mum out and spend as much time as you can with her, but remember yourself, your son and your boyfriend too.
I think you should give yourself a break - it sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to make every moment count and be there offering the perfect support at every turn. The intensity is too much to sustain and its clearly effecting your health and your relationships.
I am currently undergoing treatment for advanced Hodgkin's lymphoma and have had difficulties managing the relationship with my mother during treatment. I don't know how relevant this will be to your situation but I hear some similarities with the roles reversed. Once the whirlwind of testing, hospitalisation and diagnosis was over and I was back home, trying to get used to the new setup of having chemotherapy for the next six months. I was overwhelmed with support from every angle which was an immense help and I couldn't have done without it. However, as I adjusted I could do more things for myself and was able to be more independant and was so happy to have some normality back. I was able to communicate this to most of my friends and family that the main support I wanted was their company and would ask them if I needed help. Unfortunately this wasn't as easy for my mother and she kept telling me I needed help and was trying to 'be there for me'. This was only coming from a good place because she loves me very much and doesn't was to see me upset or in pain but in the reality of the every day this was too intense for me to cope with and in the end I had set some degree of distance from her because of how emotionally draining it was to be around her. I felt guilty for doing this but I just didn't have the strength to support her as well as myself. Having done this our relationship has gone from strength to strength. When we see each other we can laugh, talk about what's going on in our lives and how we feel which is a relationship we both find rewarding and nourishing.
If I can offer any any advice it's that you would best help your mother if you can be happy and healthy and there for her should she need your help. I'm sure that it really hurts your mum to see you unhappy and she would not want you to put your life on hold for her. If she's having a tired day when she just wants to be by herself that doesn't mean she doesn't think of you. I'm sure she'd rather picture you having fun with your son in the park than know your stressed at home having bought all the food for dinner that she's now too tired to turn up for. In terms of plans, why don't you invite her to join you in your life rather than make special arrangements for her with the hope that this will remove the pressure of thwarted expectations from both of you.
Hope you're having a good Sunday and hope you're feeling better.
