Feel like a fraud for being here. Spoke to mum again today after speaking to the secretary of the fast-track - actually I don't know - she fast tracks imaging I think because it was for mums ERCP.
Anyway, spoke to 'the lady' very nice she was too. Apparently Mum had an appointment last Friday for an ERCP and was called and declined it, saying she was fine and didn't want the procedure. Being the efficient and persistent person she was 'the lady' rang a number my mum gave. It was either my sisters boyfriend or her ex-hubby, either way she found her way to my sister and then me, there is another appointment for this Friday.
So...I spoke to mum. Again she declined any investigations at all. She just doesn't want it. She doesn't want to go to hospital or see doctors or have anything done, she's 77 and wants to be left alone. What would they do at her age anyway? The thought of the procedure is upsetting, the thought of them finding anything upsetting more. She doesn't want to know. That is life - according to mum.
That makes me feel better really. Three times it has been put to her, once by me, then by the medical secretary and then again by me and despite the memory problems she's been consistent in her refusal and in her explanation. I have no choice but to respect that. There was a part of me that feared the point where she got really unwell and asked what was wrong - and that upon being told would feel cheated out of investigation and treatment at an earlier stage 'Why didn't you tell me earlier, I would have fought this?' but, she can't/won't say that now. I'm satisfied that a) she knows something is wrong b) she's aware that this has been recommended and c) she is adamant that she neither wants to know or have any procedures done (and d) I think she knows).
AAAnnnddd....that is where the fraudulent bit comes in. Could be Gallstones? I've decided it's gallstones. And I shouldn't be here at all. Despite the GP saying the bloods indicate a malignancy, despite the fact that she's turning brown (also could be severe nicotine staining, can't discount anything!), despite the fact that I've seen her 'scratching like a monkey, she needs a bath' (said to my sister as my mums personal hygiene has suffered with her will and physical strength) despite the fact that standing at 5'3" she under 7 stone and falling, despite clearing up untold amounts of diarrhoea, despite all that - she has gallstones and they just need zapping. Simple, I'm a fraud and despite the GP being certain it's cancer and probably secondaries anyway, I have decided she has gallstones.
It's gallstones I tell ya! And I shouldn't be here, right now, because Cancer is not it.
I'm going to write to the doctor anyway and put my theory to him, he's going to think I'm mad but hopefully I'll get some professional courtesy because here's the big secret. I'm a qualified nurse and can honestly, unequivocally state - it's been absolutely no help so far. My qualifications, knowledge, beliefs built up over decades of nursing other people have come to zilch. I'm the carer now and can't, quite honestly, believe how shit it is to be on the other side...and how crap other 'health professionals' can be.
It's gallstones, simple, curable and the host of my denial.
Gallstones!
