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My daughter has cancer

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Mumofcancer

I really don’t want to be here. I guess none of you do. I don’t want a reply or sympathy or empathy. I just want to write and vent. My brother in law died, my ex husband died, my current husband was diagnosed with life limiting disease and then my bloody dog died. Just when I was contemplating what was worse my 36 year old daughter who has 2 very small children was diagnosed with cancer. I don’t know if I’m allowed to swear here…. But WTF! I’m a nurse practitioner for 46 years so I just know too much. The fear is visceral. Who can I talk to? I know, my best friend, oh …. that’s my daughter!

 I can’t work out what is the worst thing about this. Is it watching my daughters fear. Is it watching her have brutal invasive surgery which will leave a scar that all can see. Is it worrying about my son in law and grandchildren. Is it listening to my lovely supportive kind friends and family who are trying their best but just say things that enrage me.Is it my employer who thinks I can just be at work through this although I’ve refused as I think I’m in no fit state to diagnose and treat patients. Is the fact that I think I’m actually losing my mind. Is the worry about phase 2 of treatment. Is it the people who tell me I have to be strong for my daughter FFS!!! Is it I wish it was me not her. Is it the deep down feeling that I must be a bad person to have been handed this.

No. I’ll tell you the worst thing. It’s the awful aching loneliness being the mother of that beautiful girl and only I can feel like this.

My love to you all out there and my sorrow for your loneliness xx

Madiso

  • I don't know what to say except sending you love and strength.

  • Hey Mum of Cancer, i hear everything you are saying.... my heart truly goes out to you, i too am loosing my mind! What on earth have i done to deserve this utter world shattering nightmare. To put a little context to my world falling apart, i lost Mum to Multiple Myeloma in Nov 2022, she was only 67, that same summer my son at the age of 32 was diagnosed with Hairy Cell leukemia, he is married with 2 small children, battling on with a few close calls but mainly now it's managed thank the lord!.... Most recently my Husband "52" has been diagnosed with Stage 4 Oesophageal Cancer .... Not sure how this is meant to be processed without some sort of counselling, i just seem to drag myself from one day to another shrouded in a big black cloud, i barely sleep but when i do it hits me all over again the second i wake up, it's a living heartbreaking nightmare. I'm often an emotional wreck and woe betide anyone that asks if i am ok....  i have no choice but to work through all of this torment, my employer has been amazing thankfully with allowing me to Work from home and time off to go to hospital appointments etc.... i just want to world to stop for a day so i can my breath. I totally understand what you are going through. Sending you massive amounts of respect, love and strength, I don't know how we get through this but we will.

  • in reply to MillyPH

    There’s nothing I can say to you other than I hear you. I’m so so sorry that you’re going through this and I wish there were magic words to help. If I find them I’ll send them to you, but otherwise I send love and understanding 

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