When my first son was born, my heart was bursting with love for this little chap, that has never ceased, even though he has chosen to not talk to me for some 5 months now. With son number two on the way I was concerned I would not have enough love left for him when he was born. I learned there is no limit to the amount of love we can have in our hearts. And so it is with loved ones we have lost. I still love Sandra, I still love Martine. You never lose that thankfully. You never get over the grief of losing a loved one. One small step at a time you learn to live with the loss.
step one - remember to breath, after a few days of mastering that
step two - get out of bed
step three - go down stairs and force yourself to eat something
after a week or so of that you will be forced to go back to step one and start all over, but you know you have managed to get to step 3 once before so it takes less time to get there
step 4 - do steps 1 to 3 in a morning
you get the drift. Small steps at your own pace , YOUR pace no one else’s.
Thats how I survived, that’s what Martine taught me.
my adult life is in 4 chapters. One for each of my loving partners. In each chapter I have grown as a person. Taken on new challenges in each, lived a different way of life, overcome different challenges. Been enriched at each stage and blessed at each stage by beautiful people, inside and out. I truly consider myself a fortunate man to have had these people in my life. Even my eventually disastrous first partner yielded two wonderful sons.
And now I am with another beautiful, amazing lady who is supporting me through this roller coaster. I’m on the other side now thankfully. Even with my life’s experiences and Martines teachings I think, no I know, this is the last love in my life now. I would not venture down loves path again if anything parted me from my current blessing. Out of the two of us, I’m glad I have the disease and not my partner. If I had had to chose I would have chosen it that way round. I love her totally with my whole being and cannot bear the thought of her befalling this illness. We are in our fifth year together, it has gone by in the blink of an eye. I love my new life, it is beyond my wildest dreams and so is she. I’m not religious, more spiritual, and I believe Sandra and Martine had a hand in this new chapter in my life, there is no other explanation for me being where I am now.
So we are taking small steps through this thing. If I try to look at the whole process in one go my mid blows a fuse.
I haven’t cried yet about this cancer. I don’t know if my partner has, I suspect she will have on her own, I know I did with my previous beautiful people. It doesn’t matter one way or the other, I have no doubt of her love for me and it is that which sustains me during these dark small hours of the night.
It is hard waiting for results. I’ve been working to some extent throughout this period since diagnosis. Apart from a few days of complete rest I have worked from home and it has helped divert my thoughts.
As I write this we await the post mastectomy two week follow up meeting where we find out the details of the beast and the next treatment steps. Originally it all seemed straight forward. Mastectomy and tamoxifen for 5 years - job done. My surgeon is on holiday this week and so he told me after the surgery the appointment was scheduled for yesterday with another oncologist. Not a problem. But his secretary phoned Tuesday and asked if I would like to postpone this weeks meeting until next week when my surgeon is back from holiday. So I’m thinking why has this happened? You know how you go through every scenario under the sun in these early hours of the morning. Well my dread is that the simple plan, following examination of the sentinel node is no longer enough. More surgery and/or chemotherapy and then tamoxifen and he wants to tell me himself is my current thinking. We will see Monday. So far I have done all my appointments alone much to the annoyance of my partner. She feels excluded and I apparently never ask the right questions at the appointments! It’s been driven by COVID of course and not a desire to shield or exclude her. Come hell or high water my partner is coming with me Monday. I really hope it’s been delayed because he likes my ready wit and banter!
