Yesterday was Mother's Day here in the States. My first since I found out that I have a life threatening illness.
I have four children:
Mike-29
Nick- 27
James- 23
Catie- 20
They are truly the light of my life. The best thing I have ever done and every other positive Motherhood platitude you can think of.
My worst fear has always been that one of them would get sick or that some terrible thing would happen to them or that they would die too soon. Probably typical for any parent. I also feared that I wouldn't be around to see them grow up. I consider myself so lucky to have had the opportunity to see and to get to know them as adults (or almost adults.) I am also so grateful that I am the one that is sick- not one of them, if that makes sense. Of course, I wish I didn't have cancer, but better me than them.
They have made me so proud, too. They have been here for me when things were at their absolute worst. Nick has accompanied me to all of my chemotherepy sessions, taking the day off work and driving almost 200 miles. His older brother Mike has managed to come twice and Catie got to come to the last one after coming home from school. They made what could have been a horrible experience fun. They can be very entertaining.
James is 1400 miles away in Oregon. He left because of a GIRL he reconnected with on facebook! Thank goodness he is happy and it's worked out. I know that he would have come if he could. He should be visiting this Summer with the GIRL, whom I haven't met yet. He is also saving money to fly out, just in case things take a turn for the worse.
The other side of the coin is missing my mother. My own mom has been dead for almost 6 years. I can't tell you how much I miss her. She was the strongest person I ever knew and there are times when I wish I could lean on her again. But I am also thankful that she isn't here now. She would worry too much... she always worried about her kids too much.
She suffered from Alzheimers for years before her death. It was a slow and painful way to lose her. Her death was really a blessing when it happened. I know that she would have hated living like that , if she were her old self. My dad was a saint- keeping her at home with a carer for as long as possible. She turned really mean to him, he just let it wash over him. Of course, he didn't retire until she died so he didn't have to stay home with her all day! (at age 82)
Anyway, I read these posts from people whose cancer has robbed them of the chance to ever have children of their own. I read posts from parents who have been diagnosed while their children are still so small. And then there are the posts from parents whose children have been the one's diagnosed. I can't even imagine...
I am so lucky. I know it and am grateful.
