Hi All
Well I don't really know where to start. Things have been a bit rough since mum came out of the hospice. Before she went in mum was fairly independent and self caring still. In the two weeks that she was there she stopped walking independently and came home with a frame and a care package for three times a day. In the time mum has been home she has had three falls, the last one was quite nasty and she took a knock to the head. She was really upset but we managed to convince her to allow us to take her to hospital eventually where they scanned her head and gave us the all clear.
We are waiting for a bed so that she can go back to the hospice and even if there is any improvement I think that they want mum to go into to a care home as she now needs 24 hour care.
Yesterday was a bad day and we ended up shouting at each other. Mum was upset that we had agreed for the hospice at home nurse to go there overnight. We made up and she admitted that she is angry that this is happening to her. I told her I love her and only want to do what is best to keep her safe and well.
Today I think mum has deteriorated even more. She has been sleepy all day and seems to be drifting in and out of conciousness, her breathing has not been good and it has just been heartbreaking to watch her.
We have given her extra oromorph tonight to try and settle her and help with her breathing. We have Marie Curie there later but I don't want to be away from her. I keep telling myself that this may be the end and that if it is I want it to be peaceful, I do not want her to suffer and that I would rather it be quick. The truth is I am not ready to say goodbye but I know I never will be.
I think my heart is breaking again, I am trying hard to keep it together but my own life and family are showing the cracks which my behaviour is causing. I have a wonderful partner who is desperately trying to help and my daughters (especially the eldest) are being wonderful. They are so young, the eldest has experienced too much loss in her little life and I wish I could protect her from more.
I hope mum proves me wrong and bounces back but I think she has no fight left.
Hugs to you all xxxx
