8.7.10
Don't think I have slept much if at all. In fact don't think there has been much sleep for the last week. I can not seem to turn my brain off for a second and I know that I can not sustain this without burning myself out and I can not afford to do that.
Mum tried Oramorph last night for the first time, she had been getting chest pain on top of her other pain so I decided to stay at the hospital to check she settled and was ok. She closed her eyes and slept soundly other than scratching at herself even in a deep sleep. This itching has been a nightmare for her since she had her chemo last year and they have still not got to the bottom of it.
I was hoping we would have chance to talk but Mum was so tired she curled up and slept which was fine there will be other times for us to chat. I want to let her know that I am scared and that it is ok that she is too. I can not begin to understand how she feels.
Instead I watched her sleep, I watched her breath as I have often watched my babies. I sat behind her and allowed a stream of silent tears to fall all my fear becoming clear and really feeling the true anxiety for the first time. I have been scared all along, now I am terrified.
I will pull it together so that I can support Mum, just uncertain how I am going to do it. I know that we have to do what we need to do and most importantly what Mum wants.
She told some one yesterday that she has to concentrate on the fact that she is living with cancer not dying of it. I think that they are words I have said to Mum but that I am struggling to really believe. I think that Mum is also saying what she thinks we want and need to hear.
The horrid truth is my Mum is dying (I argue with myself that we are all dying) but my Mums time on this earth is being cruelly shortened by this, how long no one knows but the fact is that the prognosis will be worse if only slightly.
I do not know what Mums options are now if any. She is meeting with the oncologist on Monday and we will know more then.
Love and strength to you all.
Take care
Ginge xxx
