My 1st blog entry

Hi, My name is Momoka* I don't know who to turn to or who to talk to about what I feel so I've decided to write a blog under a nickname that only my close friends know about. My dad has terminal cancer. His primary is in his colon but it has spread to his liver(11 nodules and 1 big one) and lungs(3 nodules). From what the doctors say, the primary one in the colon had been there for at least 5 years. 5 YEARS?? Though dad did say, before he thought it was herrmroids that caused bleeding, and if he had thought more about it and told the doctors, maybe they would have picked it up earlier, before the spread. My dad's dad= My Grandpa, died of colon cancer that had spread throughout his body. I never met him, he died years before i was born, looking at the old photos, i really do wish i met him before. My family history seems very bad health wise. My dad's family has a disease that runs in the family, thalassemia which is basically bad blood, my mum's family suffers from cancer but in different parts, She was the eldest of 9, she herself suffered from cancer in the lymph nodes some as one of her sisters, another had cancer in one of her ovaries, my grandmother (mum's mum) died of bone marrow cancer which spread throughout her body in the end. She passed away when i was 12yrs old but because I grew up in UK and not HK, i hardly saw her and perhaps wasn't as close to her as i should have been but that wasn't traumatic to me. i knew what death was and i know i'll never see her again but... in no way did that help me deal with dad's problem. I was there with him when the Doctors told him that the operation was out of the window. I've seen my mum cry, I've heard my dear sister cry, I've seen my brothers faces twist into worried frowns and worst of all, My dear dad, the one who was always there, looking after me, not only do i notice that his wrinkles have multiplied and look deeper than they used to, but i've noticed that he's not just worried, but he's scared. Daddy is a soldier, a very strong one at that, a man who looks out for his family and takes pride in traditional values. I've never seen him so nervous, he puts on a strong face for my sisters and mum but i know, deep down, he is more frightened than a rabbit infront of the headlights. 2 days ago, i went with my parents to give some support to dad while a nurse fits the tube in, i think it's called cental line, it goes into his right arm, one end right near the heart and one line sticking out from the arm. They provided Mum with a translator, albiet someone who's... well let's just say, i have a A* GCSEs Chinese award which isn't exactly anything to brag about but I could of done a much better job than her. turns out she was suddenly called in from some other department, she wasn't a translator but someone's secretary who happens to know a little bit of Cantonese. She was a lovely Malaysian lady who was friendly and tried to relax my mum and keep her possitive but interms of translating? she really didn't do much and even scared my mum a little bit by mis-translating Veins to "tendons" and some other mistakes which i couldn't bite my tongue and had to turn around and tell my mum what it really meant. I just hope on Monday they'll give us a proper translator as i can't be there for the whole appointment for dad's first chemotherapy session. Anyway, back to fitting the tube, It has been literally years since i last held dad's hand and when dad lied down in the recliner and the nurse took his blood pressure, i held his hand to show him I'm here to give support. Dad's hand was soaked in sweat. He didn't look it but he was actually really scared. I kept my mouth shut so Mum wont notice as she gets upset very easily. Mum has been easily depressed, worried and angry every since she had her lymph nodes removed, they still havent confirmed whether she's clear of cancer yet and the dad fell ill. Dad has been staying strong especially for her. To dad, (who's only ever had me adn my sisters, my brothers are his step sons) me, my sisters and mum are his closest family and in his traditional chinese veiw he can not let us worry so he keeps quiet about his pains and worries and smiles even though it's really stressing him out. I can tell I'm the strongest or maybe, because i'm the youngest and the fact that i know, i STILL don't know how to deal with all of this... I've stayed possitive so far. maybe too possitive. Maybe dad knew that too, yesterday he suddenly turned around and asked me "Momo, do you know what Palliative means?" I didn't know so I waited til i got home and checked the dictionary. later that day while having some tea, he asked again and of course i replied "medical treatment that deals with the pain but doesnt cure it?" and He nodded with a solem look on his face. "That's the situation," he points at his nose "I'm in". I didn't know how to reacte, i just gave him my biggest smiles and gave him a nod to show that i understand. Later, after my parents left my flat, i sat on the couch and started thinking. i didn't notice that i'd been sat there staring in to space for at least 2 hours. My boyfriend Joe* put a hand on my shoulder. I blurted out "that means, my child will be like me, they'll never meet their grandpa" then uncontrollably, i bursted out crying. I've held it all in for my family, like dad, i do veiw my sisters and mum emotionally weaker than i. Joe understands me and sometimes i think, he knows me too well. He simply hugged me and told me "It's hard Momo, there'll be lots of occasions like this in your life, you have to face it and deal with it." but all i can think about is negative things at that moment, i just hugged him and wailed that "but it just doesnt get better, i still feel awful" after 5 minutes, i manage to get myself back together and stopped crying. I tried to cheer up and get on with an essay for university. I haven't broken down like that for years. I scared myself. I tried to talk to my eldest sister Alvina*, who lives in HK and who seemed to be the stronger than my mum and my second sister Ayame. Instead of letting me talk she started talking about how busy she is and that she is jealous of our cousin Andy. Why? because dad treats him like a son and loves him more than her (she thinks) and that she's really cross about it. So instead of sharing emotions and supporting each other... i turned out to be her trash can for her stressful problems that has nothing to do with dad. I found it strange but i know everyone has a different way of dealing with bad news. I didn't even want to tell my mum as she was so scared, i can tell she hasn't been sleeping, she's lost weight, she looked worse than after she's had her radiotherapy! So I turned to my 2nd eldest sister Ayame who lives in N Ire. Ayame has a boyfriend Chung and her dear little daughter Deedee*. Chung has a bad habit of gambling and he had gambled their money away one too many times and their resturant was failing because of the money he wasted at the brookes. The amount of stress she's been through changed the once tough cookie to a thinner version of what she used to be that always looked like a panda because of a lack of sleep from worrying. Suprisingly, with Ayame, i can talk to has about half of my worries, about dad, about mum and about the strange ramblings of Alvina. turns out Alvina's been telling the same things to Ayame. Ayame tells me about her worries too, our family and her resturant and how Little Deedee is the light in this dark time. Deedee is like the sunshine for our family right now, she's funny, witty and very energetic and almost 3 years old. the cutest little girl in the whole world to me. She keeps daddy laughing and very affectionate to the whole family. Puts smiles on everyones faces. When i first found out about dad i wanted to be the adult version of Deedee, I want to put a smile on everyone's face, i want to keep smiling and carry on with what needs to be done. I don't know who to tell all this to, I dont want to burden my friends, its a bad idea to tell anyone in the family, Joe knows but since he hasn't got as close a bond with his dad, he doesnt really know how to console me. This is why i've decided to write this blog. This is a long blog compared to what i've seen so far. Thank you for reading. Love Momoka xXx