Now that the latest (third) round of radiotherapy is over we are at the point of choosing what treatment comes next.
There will be lots of scans - but there is some readily visible progression, so we all know they will show his current treatment is not working. It is just a question of how much it is not working.
There wasn't really a discussion in the consultation - the oncologist named an experimental treatment he thought he might be able to secure funding for and that was agreed. My husband's worst fear is to be told there are no more treatments, so offered any more treatment he immediately accepted. Even when he was told the treatment has only a 25% chance of success. It is the best option that's on offer as far as he is concerned.
He didn't ask what 'success' was - I didn't dare ask the consultant within earshot of my husband, because I knew he didn't want the detail in case it punctured his hope, so I looked it up by googling scientific papers later. Success in this case would seem to be 3 months 'progression free survival' with a median survival of 11 months.
At the moment he is a sick man - quite different to the state he was in 7 months ago. An extra 3 months of being 'no sicker than he is now', really doesn't feel like a prize worth fighting for to me - especially when the price for that result will be several weeks or months of feeling even sicker, and the more likely outcome that he has several weeks or months of feeling even sicker followed by continued decline.
This is one of the the hardest parts of caring for me. Not the sleepless nights, emptying sick bowls, changing bedding, collecting medications, arranging appointments or any of the practical caring tasks. It is having to support my husband through a decision I feel certain I would not make for myself if I were in his position. But I know he doesn't have the strength for a debate. And I know he needs to have the autonomy of choosing his own path for as long as that is possible. And he just needs to know that my love and support will be there, without question, both when he's fighting this disease and whenever he decides to stop fighting.
