Am I depressed or sad.

Hi Helena

Please don't be hard on yourself about being a bad daughter. I'm sure you were not. Grief has many aspects. One of them is feeling guilty. Anyone who has lost a dearly loved Mum or Dad will berate themselves for not doing enough. My Mum died last June and I catch myself thinking " I should have been more patient," or "I should have given her more time." We are just human, trying to do the best we can & that is all that can be asked of anyone. We don't always get it right, but we need to try and forgive ourselves for the times that happens. 

Have you tried talking to someone on the Macmillan Helpline about how you feel? (Number on the site somewhere.) They have really good people who will listen and not judge. 

Be kind to yourself.

Little Jen 

Hi Helena,

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum and your Gran, thats so tough in such a short time span too.  I think we all expect our Mums to be there forever in a way, its a natural feeling because they have, haven't they?   Please try not to berate yourself, I bet your Mum Loved you so and you sound a very caring daughter, but none of us know what is around the corner, and there are always things we can think back about and give ourselves a hard time.  But I bet your Mum knew how much she was loved and you are doing the right thing by keeping your family together and yes it is worth it, but not always easy.  Like Little Jen said I think it may be worth you speaking to someone outside the family and making sense of everything and helping your feelings and perhaps they can help you in the grief process.  Its such a complicated and hard thing, and I do think sometimes we need that help from someone who is totally disconnected from us personally, nothing ventured, nothing gained in a way. 

Thinking of You and I hope things become easier for You.

Nic

Massive hugs Helena.

I'm a bit fresher to the experience than yourself.  I'm only 6 weeks in to the process, although my doctor would say I'm 14 months in to it because it began the day my dad was diagnosed.

My daddy always told me not to worry about things out of your control, things you can't change.  I'm sure you were there as much as you could me.  If it was possible for you to be there more, you would have been.  I don't know if it was a distance problem, or maybe an emotional one (I know my brother wasn't there for my dad as much as I was because emotionally he couldn't handle it as well) but my counsellor has told me over and over, you can only cope how you cope.  I'm sure your mum loved you to bits, and appreciated every moment you were with her, I'm sure wherever she is she will be wanting to tell you off for feeling how you are.

I feel I have neglected my own mum this year in favour of my dad... and thankfully she is still here to tell me that she understands, that she loves me regardless of it all and that I shouldn't feel that way... it doesn't change me feeling bad but that's just what mums are like.

I don't know if I'm just rambling on... to get to the point maybe, don't feel so bad.  I'm sure you loved your mum, and I'm certain she knows it!  I would definitely agree with the others though, maybe talk to someone, I don't know how much it has helped me but it does help you to realise that everything you feel is totally normal and a lot of people feel the same way and grieving sucks.

Thinking of you xx