Its been roughly 1year and a half since I lost my mum, everyday just seems to blur past me. It hasn't been easy to cope without her and I have only just been able to start talking about what happened and talking to people on this website about it.
I'm 21 years old and still live at home with my dad. I lost my mum on my birthday, 11th August. It hasn't been easy since me and my dad have never seen eye to eye and without mum it has become more and more difficult. Finding some where else to live isn't easy also.
My mum was told she had a dark shadow on her lung when she went to the doctors about a chest infection. They continued to do more and more tests to try and find out what was causing her discomfort due to the coughing.
I found out she was having different tests done though a answerphone message which was left for her, this was her second one and my mum hadn't told me what was going on. One of those tests where putting a camera down into her lung, I wish I could remember what it is really called, once they had done what they needed she began to get very poorly.
A few days later she couldn't move far without coughing, it seemed to be a very bad chest infection until she started coughing up, what we belived, part of the shadowed area. I hated seeing her like this, as horrid as it sounded I tried to avoid seeing her in a sate because I couldn't bare seeing her in so much discomfort and pain. I felt so selfish.
As time progressed she went in for surgery to remove the shadow in her lung, almost felt like it was forever to know she was now going to be ok after this surgery, I was very wrong.
When she came out of surgery, came too and was in a special ward I was then able to see her. As soon as I saw her I burst into tears seeing her connected to all these different machines. My dad continuly nagging me to stay strong, not to cry for mum but it was difficult. Theres always been something about my mum which made it difficult not to cry when I was upset :(
A few weeks then past and she slowly improved but my mum knew something was wrong so we all went back to the hospital for her check up, it was then the doctor said that the "Cancer" (Horrid word) had spread to her entire lung and her whole lung was removed. We all knew it was going to be difficult but we would pull though together.
During mums time at home we would take short walks up the street, have tea and spend time together like we use to. Dad went to work during the day so I took time from work to help my mum, cook tea & dinner, ironing etc.
I remember this very clear, as if it was yesterday, It was a Thursday and mum was in more pain than normal. We tried to do our walk up the street but she couldn't make it out of the front door. I rang my dad and he raced home. We called for an emergency doctor and she then rang for a ambulance, this frightened me. While mum was in the ambulance I had my dad bursting into tears saying "This is the end" "She's gone and left me" This didn't help me but I kept strong like he nagged me too and he went off with mum.
Dad came home the next day and he gave me the bad news, the "C" (Still horrid word) had spread into her bones, her back.
All the family came to see her, my sisters, me, dad and even a very old friend of mum. My mum was more worried about us than herself, in a way this broke my heart. I use to text her everyday to make sure she was ok and what time I'd be down to see her and her response was "Make sure your looking after yourself, have you eaten today?"
Mum seemed ok in herself, same lady bubbly, kind and loved her family. I was very proud to see her walking around with support still makes me smile seeing her face as she left the ladies room all on her own.
It was the 8th August, mum seemed to be getting stronger and there had been talk about operations etc. that would improve her way of life. It was the day visiting hours and it was just me and dad who came to see her that day.
My dad left the room, for something I can't remember, and my mum turned to me and smiled before saying "So, what shall we do for your birthday? Big 20" she said. I smiled and sorted laughed it off before responding "Don't worry about my birthday, we will have many more together". Mum then shook her head and answered "Don't be silly, I want to be home for your birthday. My baby lamb isn't a baby anymore" To this day, even as I am writing that I am in tears.
I just burst into tears, all my mum wanted was to come home for my daft birthday but it seemed to mean so much to her.
The 11th August arrived and I can't emotionally go into detail but I got to spend my birthday with my mum even though she wasn't "with it" due to everything 'shutting down?' Though around 8.30pm I couldn't stand seeing her like this and got into my car and left, I still feel horrid and a bad person to leave her. It feels/ felt like I was running away and I have never been able to forgive myself for this.
Since then I have kept myself to myself, me and my dad certainly do not get along and the family has split apart because of a argument between my dad and my sisters, mum wouldn't be happy.
I miss my mum so, so much as she was the only person I could open up to and talk too, even if I did end up in tears. I have kept a lot of pain stored, almost 2 years later and I have grieved over my mum due to my dad not allowing me too. He goes away on holiday a lot and leaves me to clean everything up at home.
Sorry this blog was so long, its my first time doing something like this so certain parts may not make sense as I am typing what I am feeling
