I have decided to start a blog at the suggestion of several other lovely members. Hopefully it will help me keep track of the issues I'm facing and stop things swirling around in my head so much.
Tomorrow I travel home to see my dad, who is 54 and has terminal prostate cancer. He was diagnosed last year and has been having chemo all of this year. On Friday it is my dad's younger brother's (my uncle's) funeral. He died last week after many years of battling with MS, and was only in his 40s. My dad's dad (my grandpa) only died just over a year ago, and now my dad's brother has gone. My dad has already lived longer than the doctors predicted at the start of the year but I am terrified that he is going to be next. He is the last male on his side of the family. My dad has to make a speech at the funeral but it is during his lowest immunity day after chemotherapy, and he was rushed into hospital 2 days ago with an infection, so I am quite worried about him standing up in front of a room full of people to talk. He doesn't seem to want to do it either as he is very depressed but said he couldn't refuse when my uncle's wife asked him to do it, so I am going to try to help him write the speech tomorrow.
It feels like everything is falling apart at the moment. My uncle on my mum's side, who is 40, was told last year he had 10 years at most left to live because of a kidney condition. My grandma is very ill since my grandpa's death, and my little sister (who is my best friend but is too ill to talk to me any more) has been in and out of psychiatric hospital after several attempted suicides since dad was diagnosed with cancer, though she has had depression for years. My mum and dad's marriage is also breaking down and I have been asked to keep lots of secrets about affairs, etc. but most of them have come out in the open now (except from my sister, who still lives with my parents but doesn't know what's going on) and mum and dad are still deciding whether or not to get divorced. I was also in a fire last year, which was horrible and I had flashbacks for several weeks afterwards. I've become quite ill myself now, worrying about everyone; having to call the police about my sister, trying to calm down my dad when he's drunk and mad at my mum, and trying to rebuild the relationship with my mum after finding out about what she's been doing in secret behind my dad's back for the last 3 years. I am absolutely exhausted all the time, look and feel unhealthy, and am struggling to get through each day. I've been on some new antidepressants for a week though and am trying to get out for a walk every day and am still managing to stay on top of work, just.
I am desperately sad about everyone around me being so ill, but I know that me being sad doesn't help them, so try to put on brave face when I am with them. My dad has had 5 sessions of chemotherapy and is pretty ill - the cancer is already in his bones and skull, and he seems to be getting confused quite often, though that might just be stress. I absolutely adore and admire him and he is my hero. I have told him that a lot (and written him a letter telling him everything I love about him), and do as many nice things for him as I can, but he is very depressed about being poorly. I am devastated and I can't imagine a day without him. I'm trying to finish a PhD at the moment which I partly wanted to do so I could be like him, because he is a Dr. too, and it hurts me so much to think he will never see me graduate. He will not be able to give me away at my wedding either, or experience grandchildren, or any of the things I've dreamed about since I was a child, and it's very, very painful.
Now I've got some of my saddest feelings down hopefully I can find some happier ones. Until then, I am trying to stay strong for my dad at my uncle's funeral.
FormerMember
What a dreadful dilema for you. it is never easy at family funerals. Naturally your dad wants to say goodbye to his brother, but as for making a speech when he is not well, and not wanting to do it.... I do wonder if he should be mixing with alot of people in the circumstances, especially as he already has had an infection. Have you taken medical advice on this? I know your aunt is greiving and wanting to follow family tradition, but in the cirmstances,it seems to an outsider ,very insensitive to ask your dad to give a speech when he is so frail himself. Is there no one else who could do it? Another member of the family perhaps, or even a long standing family friend. Perhaps your dad like so many cancer patients has shielded other members of the family from the seriousness of his condition. If you are helping your dad to compose what he wants to say, could you perhaps read it for him. No disrespect to you uncle, but I think you must take what may seem to some a selfish approach and insist on whatever is best for your dad. It won't help anyone if he should get another infection, that might delay further chemo. It is a big burden for you, but i am sure that if you explain the situation to your famly they will understand.
You poor darling, what a terrible time you have had, but yet you have come through it, I don't know if you are religious but I am and while I don't believe that God CAUSES suffering, I get great comfort from knowing that he will NEVER allow us to put up with any more than we can bear, ie: just when you think you are at the end of your wits and strength, then that's when he steps in, pulls you up and makes you stronger. Does that make sense? Someone once told me, "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" and its at times like these we realise just how strong we really are.
As for your uncles funeral, Daffie suggested you reading your dads speech, which was similar to what I thought, would it even be possible for him to record it the night before and to play the recording at the funeral? Is he strong enough to do that? Its just a suggestion.
I really hope you work something out, take care and I will be thinking of you on Friday.
for the good advice Daffie and Netty. I tried speaking to my dad about it again this evening and he is determined to write and read something, even though he doesn't really want to. I have told him I am there as a standby even at the last moment if he wants me to read the piece instead.
We haven't had any medical advice about my dad going but my dad's quite stubborn. He wasn't even supposed to get out of hospital so soon - they had just put the canula in and then he managed to sweet-talk them into letting him out. He gets very very depressed if he has to spend even one night in hospital. It does make me worry, but I'm sure they wouldn't let him out if he was in too much danger. There will be lots of relatives at the funeral who haven't seen my dad for a long time, though, who will all want to talk to him and give him hugs, so I may have to act as some sort of bodyguard and keep them all at least ten paces away, or something.... I'm not even sure I should go near him to be honest as I have a cold at the moment and I am full of different Scottish germs that I keep bringing down south with me every 3 weeks when I visit. It's very difficult! I'm going to eat a hot curry tonight and try and blast the germs away...
What a terrible time your family have been through. my heart goes out to you and your dad. Is there no way you could speak to your aunt and tell her how poorly your dad is and ask her to relieve him of his speech at his brother's funeral.
I lost my stepbrother to prostate cancer in September and my sister is terminally ill, and I can tell you at his funeral my concern was for my sister and the emormous amount of pressure and stress she was under just to be there. If I had had my way she would not have been as it was too much to bear for her, but like your dad she was determined to do it because she felt it was the "right" thing to do. I don not think any one would think any less of your father if he did not go to the funeral, let alone read at it. if there are lots or reletives who want to see your dad to give him hugs, would it not be possible for them to come and see him after the funeral. If your dad is insistent in going , please take care of him both emotionally and physically (as I am sure you will) and help him throught what will probably be one of the most difficult days he has had to cope with.
My thoughts are with you both at the very sad time.
