It was a pleasant day, I remember it, I was grateful of it & it lifted my spirits somewhat because most days for me can be emotionally tiresome & draining, so, whenever I have a good day it gives me a little boost of confidence & a spark of hope that its possible, in the future, that I will have other good days. My good days are not extravagant, they are simply days where I feel well enough to face the day, complete some chores, deal with lifes problems & not feel so drained & extremely tired.
Bad days, for me, are filled with anxiety, fear, exhaustion & despair; days where I don't feel I can face the day because my anxiety is playing all my fears on a constant loop in my head, my low mood is reminding me that I have not got what it takes to get through my life let alone a day and my self doubt sends me running back to my duvet where I can hide away awaiting the gloom to pass.
So back to my pleasant day! by this time it was early evening & I decided to change into my night clothes & was looking forward to the fact that I felt quite relaxed, my mood was stable & my anxiety hadn't been kicking me down all day; And there it was, the lump that ruined my day, my hand had simply brushed past it as I undressed, a lump in my left breast that wasn't there earlier in the day when I got dressed. How the hell did that get there without me noticing.
It was an instant plunge into despair.
My mind took me straight to unpleasant thoughts that this lump could be something serious. I spent that night restlessly not sleeping with a constant conflict in my head, first calming me into the idea that it could just be a cyst, then anxiously reminding me that it could be something much worse.
All I could do was wait for morning so that I could book an appointment with a doctor.
