It's not just the cancer! It's the loneliness too, it's the world carrying on having fun whilst I weep, it's the practical things I don't have the ability to do, it's the stress of my limited finances, the inability to pretend I'm still me, the confidence that left me, the fear that controls me & the deep sadness I now seem to keep.
I'm trying to heal physically but I'm not healing mentally. I'm lost as to what I now do.
I've realised how lonely I am & what a lonely place cancer can be. I have limited family & friends, most of which live miles away. Some may occasionally call but most are busy with their own lives. With some I pretend I am better than I am because I know they wouldn't cope with the truth. I try to take myself out of my home, to do something different, to break up the day, but at times the weather is atrocious & when it's not, I appear to have lost my confidence around other people so head to deserted places & feel ever more lonely.
I rest my body as I know that's what it needs & in all honesty I have little choice but to rest, as I soon feel exhausted if I try to do too much of the normal everyday stuff I did before. This new exhausted feeling that I now have, worries me, it makes me feel that I will always feel this way, it's made me realise that I am a different me, it makes me worry about my future abilities, at times it makes me feel useless & helpless.
I worry about my finances, the expense of heating my home, the food I need & the repairs that I cant afford. I don't have savings, insurance or a pension. I'm basically living on the poverty line & cant see any future prospects. I wonder if I could find employment but at present feel quite poorly & lethargic; I wonder what employer would take on someone receiving cancer treatment, someone that daily, has not the energy to complete all of her tasks, someone who physically has not the same abilities as she once had, someone who was never overly confident but now seems deplete of any. I wonder, I worry & I stress.
I look at my body which looks different to what it once did. I tell myself it doesn't matter if I no longer look like me, but deep down its had an affect.
I take the medication the oncologist prescribed, the medication that's supposed to help me, but it's also the medication that makes me feel nauseous, tired & depressed.
I can still smile my fake smile to others but I'm not fooling myself.
In my mind I pray for the answers, occasionally I beg. I don't know who to, but I'm desperate.
