Sitting here on a rare! sunny day in scotland feeling so sorry for myself. Feeling awful, no energy, bones and muscles ache and feel like yuk. Just got one of six chemo out of the way and it seems such a long road. Know its a lot worse for other people, just feel so helpless. My situation is complicated by the fact I have a disabled son who is in the family home being looked after and I am in a flat with with my friend being looked after, I just want to be home looking after my son, to hear him moan and whine would be wonderful!! Know its for the best, want to shield him from this as he doesnt quite have the same understanding as everyone else. He is thoroughly enjoying the break from the nag and has bought everything in the argos book!! I ached to phone home and hear him laughing in the background, its what I wanted to hear but not hear, not making much sense here, think this cancer is addling my brain!!!! I just want my life back, running round after everyone, never had great health but managed this is so damn dibilitating. Feel such a failure when you see people with cancer running marathons and feel such a wimp here. Guess Im finding the whole how to deal with other people thing strange as well. My friend has asked me 100 times today are you okay, want to say how i really feel but instead say Im fine, just dont know what you are supposed to say. Trying to be positive all the time is bloody hard work. Feels as if it is happening to someone else, too surreal. I just want to talk to somoene who understands.
